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This page is just an archive for all my old posts. My new blog is at Thank you.

18 September 2007


WARNING!!! Whiny post as first reappearance after long absence of long posts.

I am feeling the pressure of student life as of the moment. I guess I 've been on this matter for three semesters already. Which tells of why I was hesitant to post anymore. I really don't like repetitive whiny posts.

But since I feel too pressured to do anything as of the moment, I'll take time to write down a few things.



I guess people really do need to express what preoccupies their minds the most. For the moment, what preoccupies my mind the most are two; PSM and marriage.

Someone once said about my current "serabut" state that it was due to "'Umayr serabut nak kahwin!" I guess it is true in a way... My PSM strikes me as having very slow progress. I seem to have little motivation to shape up my system, and I literally have to force my will unto myself to code (very repetitive and boring). Place on top of that, the fact that I have almost no pride or esteem whatsoever in what my system is about. It is, you might put it, blasphemously ordinary.

I guess I'm really getting pressured by the fact that I'm gonna get married soon. I mean, before, I only did most things for myself. The ultimate drive was to serve my purposes (albeit for dunia or akhirah). I was free to decide, and I would know any decision I make would only greatly affect one person; me. I could drop a subject or two, without worrying that I'll have to extend. Hey, it's my life, and I'll pursue it how I like. I could do things at my pace; to lounge about or to fast-forward, and again, it's my life, so I'm free to pursue it how I like. I could forever decide to take or to let go, to give or to receive, and at the end of the day, I can still hold to myself that it will affect mostly me.

I have always lived in the present, giving little, though not none at all, thought about the future. I have for the most part of my life been a spontaneous person, taking little more than a few considerations to life-influencing events of my life. And now, a milestone appears that is forcing me to shift my paradigm of life.

I now have to lessen spontaneity and gain foresight. I now have to start to plan ahead more thoroughly than before. I now have to worry about life more seriously than before. I now have to start thinking about how I'm gonna go about making a living. And my reasons would be more valid than most. Because I have taken that first step towards building a muslim family.

All in all, I guess getting married is good way to put motivation in me. It puts me in a situation where I start thinking, "I have to end my studies this semester!" Which is, in a way, putting a foreseeable deadline for me to achieve my targets. It kinda forces me to pace up a little.


PSM places a different kind of pressure on me. Where getting married is a drive for me to perform, PSM counteracts that.

I usually perform great at those things I consider very interesting. Unfortunately the opposite is also true when applied to my person; I perform worst when I find something very uninteresting. PSM counts in the VERY UNinteresting category.

I hate bureaucracy. I hate doing reports. I hate repetitive tasks. I have no love for doing ordinary stuff (my flaw). I hate feeling helpless. I hate it when I can find no pride in what I do. All that... I can feel with my PSM.

It's a wonder that I can still survive this far. I guess that part of it is due to my very forgiving supervisor. The amount of patience she invested in me was nothing short of a miracle.

When I think back... I guess most people will go through these kinds of pressures in life. Mine is PSM. It sounds really mediocre when compared to things like, the tsunami, or a family break-up, or civil war, or being victims of hate-crimes. But then again, at this moment, PSM really seems to be the prevalent pressure point for me.


The end.
Told you... A whiny post. Never good to read, but lessens a little of the pressure.

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