WARNING!!! Whiny post as first reappearance after long absence of long posts.
I am feeling the pressure of student life as of the moment. I guess I 've been on this matter for three semesters already. Which tells of why I was hesitant to post anymore. I really don't like repetitive whiny posts.
But since I feel too pressured to do anything as of the moment, I'll take time to write down a few things.
Bismillah...
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I guess people really do need to express what preoccupies their minds the most. For the moment, what preoccupies my mind the most are two; PSM and marriage.
Someone once said about my current "serabut" state that it was due to "'Umayr serabut nak kahwin!" I guess it is true in a way... My PSM strikes me as having very slow progress. I seem to have little motivation to shape up my system, and I literally have to force my will unto myself to code (very repetitive and boring). Place on top of that, the fact that I have almost no pride or esteem whatsoever in what my system is about. It is, you might put it, blasphemously ordinary.
I guess I'm really getting pressured by the fact that I'm gonna get married soon. I mean, before, I only did most things for myself. The ultimate drive was to serve my purposes (albeit for dunia or akhirah). I was free to decide, and I would know any decision I make would only greatly affect one person; me. I could drop a subject or two, without worrying that I'll have to extend. Hey, it's my life, and I'll pursue it how I like. I could do things at my pace; to lounge about or to fast-forward, and again, it's my life, so I'm free to pursue it how I like. I could forever decide to take or to let go, to give or to receive, and at the end of the day, I can still hold to myself that it will affect mostly me.
I have always lived in the present, giving little, though not none at all, thought about the future. I have for the most part of my life been a spontaneous person, taking little more than a few considerations to life-influencing events of my life. And now, a milestone appears that is forcing me to shift my paradigm of life.
I now have to lessen spontaneity and gain foresight. I now have to start to plan ahead more thoroughly than before. I now have to worry about life more seriously than before. I now have to start thinking about how I'm gonna go about making a living. And my reasons would be more valid than most. Because I have taken that first step towards building a muslim family.
All in all, I guess getting married is good way to put motivation in me. It puts me in a situation where I start thinking, "I have to end my studies this semester!" Which is, in a way, putting a foreseeable deadline for me to achieve my targets. It kinda forces me to pace up a little.
---
PSM places a different kind of pressure on me. Where getting married is a drive for me to perform, PSM counteracts that.
I usually perform great at those things I consider very interesting. Unfortunately the opposite is also true when applied to my person; I perform worst when I find something very uninteresting. PSM counts in the VERY UNinteresting category.
I hate bureaucracy. I hate doing reports. I hate repetitive tasks. I have no love for doing ordinary stuff (my flaw). I hate feeling helpless. I hate it when I can find no pride in what I do. All that... I can feel with my PSM.
It's a wonder that I can still survive this far. I guess that part of it is due to my very forgiving supervisor. The amount of patience she invested in me was nothing short of a miracle.
When I think back... I guess most people will go through these kinds of pressures in life. Mine is PSM. It sounds really mediocre when compared to things like, the tsunami, or a family break-up, or civil war, or being victims of hate-crimes. But then again, at this moment, PSM really seems to be the prevalent pressure point for me.
---
The end.
Told you... A whiny post. Never good to read, but lessens a little of the pressure.
I am feeling the pressure of student life as of the moment. I guess I 've been on this matter for three semesters already. Which tells of why I was hesitant to post anymore. I really don't like repetitive whiny posts.
But since I feel too pressured to do anything as of the moment, I'll take time to write down a few things.
Bismillah...
---
I guess people really do need to express what preoccupies their minds the most. For the moment, what preoccupies my mind the most are two; PSM and marriage.
Someone once said about my current "serabut" state that it was due to "'Umayr serabut nak kahwin!" I guess it is true in a way... My PSM strikes me as having very slow progress. I seem to have little motivation to shape up my system, and I literally have to force my will unto myself to code (very repetitive and boring). Place on top of that, the fact that I have almost no pride or esteem whatsoever in what my system is about. It is, you might put it, blasphemously ordinary.
I guess I'm really getting pressured by the fact that I'm gonna get married soon. I mean, before, I only did most things for myself. The ultimate drive was to serve my purposes (albeit for dunia or akhirah). I was free to decide, and I would know any decision I make would only greatly affect one person; me. I could drop a subject or two, without worrying that I'll have to extend. Hey, it's my life, and I'll pursue it how I like. I could do things at my pace; to lounge about or to fast-forward, and again, it's my life, so I'm free to pursue it how I like. I could forever decide to take or to let go, to give or to receive, and at the end of the day, I can still hold to myself that it will affect mostly me.
I have always lived in the present, giving little, though not none at all, thought about the future. I have for the most part of my life been a spontaneous person, taking little more than a few considerations to life-influencing events of my life. And now, a milestone appears that is forcing me to shift my paradigm of life.
I now have to lessen spontaneity and gain foresight. I now have to start to plan ahead more thoroughly than before. I now have to worry about life more seriously than before. I now have to start thinking about how I'm gonna go about making a living. And my reasons would be more valid than most. Because I have taken that first step towards building a muslim family.
All in all, I guess getting married is good way to put motivation in me. It puts me in a situation where I start thinking, "I have to end my studies this semester!" Which is, in a way, putting a foreseeable deadline for me to achieve my targets. It kinda forces me to pace up a little.
---
PSM places a different kind of pressure on me. Where getting married is a drive for me to perform, PSM counteracts that.
I usually perform great at those things I consider very interesting. Unfortunately the opposite is also true when applied to my person; I perform worst when I find something very uninteresting. PSM counts in the VERY UNinteresting category.
I hate bureaucracy. I hate doing reports. I hate repetitive tasks. I have no love for doing ordinary stuff (my flaw). I hate feeling helpless. I hate it when I can find no pride in what I do. All that... I can feel with my PSM.
It's a wonder that I can still survive this far. I guess that part of it is due to my very forgiving supervisor. The amount of patience she invested in me was nothing short of a miracle.
When I think back... I guess most people will go through these kinds of pressures in life. Mine is PSM. It sounds really mediocre when compared to things like, the tsunami, or a family break-up, or civil war, or being victims of hate-crimes. But then again, at this moment, PSM really seems to be the prevalent pressure point for me.
---
The end.
Told you... A whiny post. Never good to read, but lessens a little of the pressure.
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