Have you ever had that feeling when you wake up that you feel incomprehensible horror rushing towards you? Horror in rememberence of things done or undone? Horror of the consequences of such things. To be faced now, tomorrow, the near future, the distant even... Horror of the knowledge that you might not have done enough to right that wrong? That you might be able to do nothing more than beg mercy from Allah that he may spare you suffering?
Today I woke up with such a horror. Yet there was also this unimaginable detachment. A kind of separation from feelings. A cold realization of inevitability.
Such realizations make rethink and reflect. What does it really mean to be me? Sometimes I wonder... Why have been entrusted with responsibility? At times I feel that I tire of obligation and resposibility only to find that I may not run lest all falls; lest I be questioned of my actions on the Day of Judgement and not be able to answer.
It may be that I am not fit to be a leader... Maybe not in any form of leadership at all. At times I feel people choose me for charisma rather than ability. Yes... Even that statement proves my unworthiness. Should not a leader be humble? Even as a leader unto his own self? Yet there I have stated a statement full of arrogance that it bites in what little shame I have in me.
|