What do you do if you become someone whose actions affect the people around you? I dunno... I feel as if I have almost become someone like that. Call me perasan, or whatever. But I do think that.
It's not as if I like it. but then it's not as if I dislike it neither. But I get disconcerted whenever I find out that there's another reader of this blog who takes me seriously.
It's not that I don't appreciate it. Far from it. But I feel... I dunno. Weird. It always things like this that make me start to question myself. Who am I that I deserve such attention? What have I done to let me have such?
The comes the what-ifs. Now that scares me; what-ifs really do. What if people interpret my actions wrongly? What if something I do, however little, pushes someone just over the edge? What if anything I do affects the effectiveness of any group that I am part of?
Those kinds of questions really scares me. I used to live rather free. Free to do what I want. Free to drop anything I want. Free to push the limits. Free to do nothing or anything. All according to my will. But now when considering a bunch of other things in my life, and considering the effects and ripples that I may make through all my connections, I shudder at the implications.
Because I am connected to so many, and because of my loud nature, it could be that any little action I take that is observable by even few makes ripples that is felt by many. Of course, it could also mean that I'm getting paranoid. Which I truly hope I am not.
Sometimes though I just can't help it when the feeling of wanting to help, the feeling of wanting to be of service and to be useful to someone overwhelms me. That's mostly why I almost can't say no to people. Thus taking on another responsibility that would produce ripple-making actions.
I hope to God that I make no undesirable effects on people. I got scared these last few weeks observing the effects of certain actions of mine a few months prior. I really hope they turn out to be good effects taht bring blessing upon me rather than curses.
Allahua'lam.
It's not as if I like it. but then it's not as if I dislike it neither. But I get disconcerted whenever I find out that there's another reader of this blog who takes me seriously.
It's not that I don't appreciate it. Far from it. But I feel... I dunno. Weird. It always things like this that make me start to question myself. Who am I that I deserve such attention? What have I done to let me have such?
The comes the what-ifs. Now that scares me; what-ifs really do. What if people interpret my actions wrongly? What if something I do, however little, pushes someone just over the edge? What if anything I do affects the effectiveness of any group that I am part of?
Those kinds of questions really scares me. I used to live rather free. Free to do what I want. Free to drop anything I want. Free to push the limits. Free to do nothing or anything. All according to my will. But now when considering a bunch of other things in my life, and considering the effects and ripples that I may make through all my connections, I shudder at the implications.
Because I am connected to so many, and because of my loud nature, it could be that any little action I take that is observable by even few makes ripples that is felt by many. Of course, it could also mean that I'm getting paranoid. Which I truly hope I am not.
Sometimes though I just can't help it when the feeling of wanting to help, the feeling of wanting to be of service and to be useful to someone overwhelms me. That's mostly why I almost can't say no to people. Thus taking on another responsibility that would produce ripple-making actions.
I hope to God that I make no undesirable effects on people. I got scared these last few weeks observing the effects of certain actions of mine a few months prior. I really hope they turn out to be good effects taht bring blessing upon me rather than curses.
Allahua'lam.
|