Yeop Mayuru: An Interest In Life

My New Blog!!!

2008-04-11T16:08:00.002+08:00

Assalamu 'alaykum warahmatu LLAH!

Guys!

I have moved!

Go here: ~~http://blog.mayuru.com~~

Moved again: http://blog.sayfurrahman.com

A Wide World

2007-12-19T09:35:00.000+08:00

Somebody said:

"The world is only as wide as you make it... If you think it full of possibilities, then it becomes limitless... "

I guess it came out of the deep recesses of my mind... And it kinda rang true... Haha!

I Married Her

2007-12-16T09:26:00.000+08:00

Wanna see more pics? Click here.

Okay... I gonna tell you guys a secret. Look for the label "PATH 2". Anything to do with "PATH 2" is associated with my journey towards getting married. It may not be too significant, but then hey, anything even remotely associated with my journey, I put there. If you're interested, click on the label.

Companions

2007-11-27T19:27:00.000+08:00

Sabda Rasulullah..

إذا أحب الله عبدا رزقه الله أخا صالحا. إن ذكر الله أعانه، وإن نسي ذكره

Maksudnya:

“Jika Allah mengasihi seseorang hamba, maka Dia akan berikan kepadanya seorang saudara atau sahabat yang salih. Jika dia sudah mengingati Allah (tidak lalai), sahabatnya akan membantunya (dalam ketaatan kepada Allah) dan jika dia terlalai, sahabatnya itu akan mengingatkannya.

So...

Who are my friends?

Du'a

2007-11-21T12:30:00.001+08:00

"May Allaah bless for you (your spouse) and bless you, and may He unite both of you in goodness." - makedua.com

Du'a for us.

Comment Email

2007-11-11T00:18:00.000+08:00

Blogger now emails comments and replies.

Wow. makes it easy to interact!

Hate

2007-11-04T21:23:00.000+08:00

I.
HATE.
people.
discourteously.
FORCING.
on.
ME.

AGM 3

2007-10-27T13:16:00.000+08:00

Iqra' AGM Resolution:

New Pres:
- 'Ammar TQ

New VP 1:
- Mohd Norain

New VP 2:
- Noor Diyana binti Kamaruddin

Usul by me: create Vice Treasurer post. ---> accepted.

AGM 2

2007-10-27T11:21:00.000+08:00

The meeting adjourned after Ustaz Suhadi's officiation.

Had some "kudapan."Nice. VIP's had nasi lemak ayam with banana cake, and chocolate cake, and finished it up with some nice tea.

The rest got some currypuffs and doughnuts.

And now... We resume.

AGM

2007-10-27T10:23:00.000+08:00

I am in the middle of Iqra's AGM.

The meeting has just started.

So far:

Mr. Pres' Speech.
Mr. Advisor's Speech.
Mr. Officiator's Speech.
(current).

Will update more.

p/s: Doing my PSM Corrections simultaneously.

CHAOOOOSSSSS!!!!!!

2007-10-22T11:31:00.000+08:00

I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.
I fear.
I cry.
I laugh.
I shout.

huhuhuuhahhahuahuahuhauhuuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuhuhu
yeayeyyyyeaerrrrrrrrrrghghgh!!!!!

Kasih

2007-09-29T10:16:00.001+08:00

I have come to the conclusion that the word kasih is more similar to 'care' in English rather than 'love'.

Am I right? Come on upholders of language! Give your comments!

Ikhtilat

2007-09-28T20:07:00.000+08:00

--Ikhtilat Ikhwah Akhawat--

Sila rujuk link di atas. Sepastinya post kali ini berkait rapat dengan isu di atas.

---

Saya adalah seorang manusia yang memanggil diri sendiri pendakwah. Ad-Da'ie. Da'iyyan ila LLAH. Tapi saya juga adalah manusia yang mudah alpa... Mudah terleka.

Sebelum saudara pembaca tersalah anggap ayat saya di atas, sepastinya perlu saya menegaskan bahawa saya tidak pernah ber-couple, ber-dating, atau seumpama perbuatan itu. Saya bertegas dengan sahabat saya sekalipun bahawa saya tidak mahu ber-couple (dan perbuatan seumpamanya).

Tapi apa yang saya katakan terleka ialah terleka dalam penjagaan hubungan yang remeh temeh. Terleka dalam hal biasa. Mungkin sebagai seorang pelajar, mungkin juga sebagai seorang aktivis kelab dan persatuan. Dalam perbincangan atau dalam mesyuarat. Atau dalam komunikasi yang biasa mana sekalipun.

Saya adalah seorang yang suka mengambil Islam secara ringan. Bukanlah bermakna saya meremehkan hukum. Tapi bermakna, jika dalam bab muamalah tiada hukum atau dalil yang membataskan, saya sepastinya akan mengiranya sebagai salah satu pilihan.

Saya usaha untuk tundukkan pandangan. Ah... Tak daya saya untuk bertenung wajah wanita. Takut jiwa saya yang kekacauan.

Cuma, bila saya bercakap... Saya suka untuk menghiasi percakapan saya dengan intonasi yang riang/gembira/positif dan diiringi pelbagai bahasa badan walau dengan sesiapa pun saya bercakap. Tujuannya, supaya isi percakapan saya tidak disalah-ertikan niatnya. Sama ada ikhwah, atau akhawat (walaupun apabila dengan akhawat biasanya saya kurangkan).

Soalan, "sudah siapkan urusan itu?", boleh saja membawa mesej yang berbeza jika intonasinya berbeza. Boleh jadi intonasinya marah. Boleh jadi intonasinya ingin-tahu. Boleh jadi juga intonasinya menggatal tak tentu arah tuju. Saya berlindung dengan Allah dari terjadi perkara itu.

Saya tidaklah berkata kita perlu buang ketegasan. Tetapi, dalam ketegasan, perlunya ada nada peduli. Perlunya ada nada mengambil kisah. Bukanlah bermakna mengsyahdukan suara, dan bernada menggoda. Tapi sekadar tahu dan mengambil tahu urusan yang perlu diambil tahu.

Saya juga tidaklah berkata, "jadilah tidak berperasaan!" Hanya kerana menjaga hubungan supaya tiada ikhtilat, komunikasi menjadi kering. Ganas. Tiada sifat keprihatinan. Lantas jadilah salah faham, kerana tidak memahami niat.

Manusia berkomunikasi bukan sekadar dengan bicara. Tapi manusia berkomunikasi sekaligus dengan pelbagai wadah tanpa-lisan. Untuk membunuh wadah itu ialah untuk membunuh kemanusian. Tapi sahabat pembaca, kita seperlunya mengawal wadah itu. Agar tidak timbulnya fitnah buat diri kita, agar tidak timbulnya salah faham terhadap apa yang kita bicarakan. Kita seharusnya faham implikasi dari tindakan kita itu. Dan kita tahu dan pastikan, tindakan tersebut tidak mengundang niat dan fikiran bukan-bukan dalam hati mereka yang mendengar bicara dan memerhati tingkah laku kita.

Saya pernah melihat ikhwah yang tegas, namun prihatinnya amat. Bukan hipokrit, prihatinnya hanya pada akhawat, tapi sememangnya pada semua ikhwah dan akhawat. Cakapnya tegas, ringkas. Mesejnya sampai. Niatnya tidak disalah-erti (mudah²an insyaALLAH). Namun adanya rasa prihatin, tanpa timbulnya fitnah.

Ah... Sungguh, saya ingin menjadi seperti itu. Tegasnya tegas, namun pedulinya peduli. Tapi inilah yang adakalanya saya terleka. Tegasnya saya belum setegas yang saya sangka. Mungkinlah ini saatnya saya mengubah diri. Menghiasi peribadi dengan akhlak yang lebih murni.

Peringatan

2007-09-24T13:32:00.000+08:00

[Surah al-A'laa:9]

Ustaz Fauzi Asmuni said this:

Allah berfirman: “Oleh itu berilah peringatan, jika peringatan itu berguna.” (Al-A’la: 9)

Ayat di atas saya terjemahkan berdasarkan tafsiran Dr. Abdul Karim Zaidan terhadap ayat tersebut. Ia diterjemahkan sebagai ‘oleh itu berilah peringatan, kerana peringatan itu bermanfaat’ oleh terjemahan yang biasa kita baca di Malaysia. Dr. Abdul Karim Zaidan mengaitkan peringatan dengan hasil dan berpendapat bahawa jika peringatan itu diyakini akan memberi manfaat, memberi peringatan tersebut adalah wajib. Jika diyakini tidak memberikan manfaat, terpulang kepadanya untuk memberikan peringatan atau tidak. Ini menunjukkan antara lain perlunya seseorang berfikir wasilah, kaedah, pendekatan dan uslub yang paling mampu merubah sebelum teguran tersebut diberikan.
- Ustaz Fauzi Asmuni di blognya, Satu Perkongsian dalam artikel ini.

Saya sangat sokong. Saya cukup tidak suka bila ada rakan-rakan yang menyindir dan menyakat, tujuannya; demi melakukan mahi mungkar. Banyak kalanya keadaan sebaliknya akan berlaku.

Ya. Sepastinya anda akan katakan "itu semua ego!" Tapi salahkah si mad'uw punyai perasaan yang negatif jika anda memulakan teguran dengan sesuatu yang juga negatif? Salahkah si mad'uw kah dia bersikap defensif lantaran sikap anda yang antagonistik?

Saya suka dan saya sangat menghormati mereka yang mampu untuk merubah rakan, sahabat, keluarga. Mereka mampu untuk mempengaruhi anak didik mereka untuk mahu mengubah diri. Bukan memaksakan perubahan itu ke atas anak didik mereka, bahkan mereka menyemai kasih dan melahirkan sayang. Dengan harapan anak-anak didik mereka ini sedar dan ingin melakukan islah. Mereka inilah yang berhati-hati dalam memilih jalan amar maaruf dan nahi mungkar.

Mereka tidak sewenang-wenangnya melepaskan lidah mengutuk dan menyumpah lantaran seseorang itu dilihat melakukan mungkar. Sebaliknya mereka mengajak ke arah maaruf, dan memujuk agar ditinggalkan sedikit-sedikit perkara mungkar tersebut.

Ya. Kita semua manusia. Pastinya ada ego yang mengeraskan hati, tak inginkan perubahan. Tetapi dengan kasih dan prihatinnya jiwa ad-Da'ie and lembut dan cairlah hati al-Mad'uw agar mampu dibentuk semula dengan acuan Allah yang teragung.

Allahu a'lam... Mudah²an kita dilindungi Allah dari sikap keras hati dan tidak ingin mengubah diri ke arah yang lebih baik. Mudah²an Allah curahkan kekuatan buat kita untuk melakukan Islah di muka bumi ini~!

Native Deen

2007-09-24T09:36:00.000+08:00

I posted about a Native Deen music video I found in Youtube once (click!). Now I'm gonna embed a playlist of their songs.

They cool, people! I like their music. Hey... I'm no music reviewer, but I know good stuff when I hear 'em. This group is good.

See for yourself.

Iftar

2007-09-23T16:40:00.001+08:00

Ooops. The ads appeared again.

This kinda weird though. This time around, I intend to try inline ads. But then, they also appeared in the main page of my blog, or whenever they I list out my posts as archive or by tags.

I guess don't really have much control over what appears for the ads.

---

Anyhow... Today we're going break our fast at Batu Pahat. We'll be visiting an Arab ex-colleague of mum and his family.

I actually pity him for a bit, because he's a doctor, and he's like the only person in his position at the hospital. That means that he's gonna be on call for everyday of the month. Unless of course, someone relieves him. I guess that only comes at rare times, such as when he really needs to take a break, or the like.

The last time we went for an iftar there, we got ourselves filled to the brim. I guess these Arabs really hold high esteem for the guests, giving all they can to "layan" their guests. It one of the things I respect in them, if not all Arabs, then certainly this one family.

It's kinda cool though. Having Arab friends in our own country. It's certainly a difference from the normal people we usually hang around with.

Floaty

2007-09-23T15:38:00.000+08:00

Has anyone got any idea how I can implement AJAX in my code? It's for my PSM. Haha~!

I'm really getting woozily floaty... Sucks.

Ten

2007-09-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

This post makes ten posts for today.

p/s: say... I've been using numbers for quite a few of my last posts. At this rate, I'm gonna run out soon.

One

2007-09-22T14:45:00.000+08:00

Notice that for the past few months I have been putting only one word for my topics.

Terawih

2007-09-22T14:11:00.000+08:00

Episod 4: Terawih

The latest episode of Upin & Ipin. Heheh! Like I said. They're cute.

Click here to see all 4 episodes. Best woo~!

Below are some quotes for this episode:

"Kak Ros~! Cepat la~! Kitaorang nak pergi solat tawarih dah ni!" - Upin
"Kejap~!"
"Hak ala. Bersolek la tu!" - Upin again.
"Hng. Betul!Betul!Betul!" - Ipin, nodding his head affirming his words.

---

"Waa~! Laaawanya Akak~!" - Upin.
"Uuwuh~!" - Ipin. Both making gestures about their sister.
"Eeee-ih!" - Kak Ros while raising her hand in an about-to-spank gesture.
'Uh-oh. Heheheh!" - Twins, going to hide behind Opah. (reminds me of teletubbies when they did this, seriously).

Heheh! Told ya! Have fun then.

Bored

2007-09-22T09:23:00.000+08:00

That I am...

Tactics

2007-09-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

"Listen to me, we have to do this perfectly. Let's do this like we rehearsed. No one deviates from the plan unless something major happens to push us off track. And THEN you may react accordingly. Am I clear?" The Major expressed his orders.

"Sah! Yais sah!"

The squad consisted of four young men. All able bodied, all trained to use their bodies as weapons of war and murder (imagine a face pulled in a grimace here and scowling. YEARGH~!). Yep. Perfectionists of Assasinations and Murder. That's why their squad is designated PAM.

"Uh... Boss. 'Ow come our squad's name sounds so girly?"

"You know, private... If you were any cleverer you'd be my superior." Said the Major in dangerously calm voice. "BUT YOU'RE NOT!!! SO SHADDAP AND FOCUS NITWIT!!"

"Uh... Yes sir." Private Jim replied, diminutive and subdued.

---

Okay. I got bored of this too...

Four

2007-09-22T08:56:00.000+08:00

Why four? Because it's four more minutes 'til NINE~!!

(See? I said I was unstable right now...)

PHP

2007-09-22T07:42:00.000+08:00

PHP is defined as Hypertext Preprocessor. Yes. I know. It doesn't look like it can be abbreviated in such a way. But the original term for PHP did (Personal Home Page).

I'm not going into a lengthy narrative of the history of PHP, but I'm gonna kinda tell you a story.

---

PHP - Infiltration.
By: 'Umayr Sayfurrahman.

Once upon a time, there lived a race of people in a city called, The Server. That race was called PHP, and they were called so because they were of a race that has to modify, process and combine themselves as Client Pages as soon as they get a Request from outlying homes called Clients. Which are of course, where Users reside. The owners of Clients. Collectively, the PHP Pages form a Program Software; a community of collective functionalities (which the PHP Pages were when they do their jobs).

Ah~! They were a proud race. Proud of what they do. Taking glee in doing mt_random(1, 2) specifications in their jobs, or even just plain being required_once() by another PHP page. Hey... It was all fine with them.

The Server was known as a secure place. Nothing besides PHP pages can be placed on that Server. Except, of course, with permission from The Creator of Pages. As it is, the Creator of Pages has made it such that Client Requests should not harm his beloved PHP Pages. Well... They *were* his beloved creations. He also had to protect other Clients from Malicious Clients, thus the permissions and security.

Many CPU Cycles went by. The PHP Pages went on with their existences, gaining more and more Pages as The Creator added more and more of his creations to the Server. Before, there were only Pages that looked after jobs liked Logging in like Login.php and VerifyLogin.php, or pages that did the PR with the User and serves processed Front-Page information like index.php. Now, there were Pages that did other jobs such as Mathematics Calculations such as MathCalc.php and Advanced Mathematics Calculations such as AdvMathCalc.php.

Now, even the demeanor of the Pages has a certain variety. NeuralNet.php has an aloof demeanor, constantly demanding Resources whenever a Request needs her. All her AI sisters tend to have the same demanding nature. Pages like RegistrationForm.php however, had an inquisitive nature. Always wanting to ask questions about Users. Then there were the Delete Pages, Pages dedicated to deleting from The Server's storage faculty; MySQL.

One day, a User Requested to Upload A File. So Pages FileUploadForm.php took care of receiving The File and passed it on to FileUpload.php who put The File in the UploadedFiles Folder; a home for Uploaded Files.

The User then disappeared again.

Another few CPU Cycles passed. It was then that The Creator logged into the Server. The PHP Pages were excited with wonder and fearful at the same time. Would any of them get Edited? They knew from previous experiences that any Page that was Edited would change in nature; if not wholly then partly. Or would there be any additions? But the worst fear they had, was of Deletion. Any page that was Deleted never, in their experience, came back. It was a destruction that lasted forever. With nary a hope of returning. But then The Creator was The Creator. He was free to do what he liked with his creations. And the Pages were accepting of that.

The Creator made a few Requests. Edited a few Pages, making them more efficient at their tasks and made changes to The Directory. He made specific new Folders for Pages with similar or related jobs. And he logged out.

Then before any other Client made any other request, the User Requested to execute The File just uploaded in the FileUpload folder. All of a sudden, a few new PHP Pages appeared the top-level PHP residence in The Server and The File disappeared from the FileUpload folder. They were GetMeYourCreds.php and YouAreWormed.php. Then the next few Requests came. The first, was for GetMeYourCreds.php who went in MySQL, searched for The Creator privileges, and returned the The Creator Username and Passwords. Then he deleted himself, smirking dangerously at the other Pages. Then the next Request came...

YouAreWormed.php immediately went to work, Editing some Pages and deleting most others. he also forced the AI Sisters to execute over and over until the CPU was running at full power to sustain the Resource demands of The AI Sisters. Then the Server shut down.

---

When the Server went online again. The Creator was aghast at what he found. His beloved Pages were destroyed. The Software he had so tediously been building was now destroyed. He knew now, that he had been hacked, by the last User, who was apparently a Hacker.

---

The END.

Okay... I got lazy enough to stop writing.

©2007, 'Umayr Sayfurrahman. Ask permission to post elsewhere!

Onslaught

2007-09-22T07:39:00.000+08:00

Due to my current unstable state of emotions, I am firing barrage upon barrage of posts into my blog. God knows how full your feed reader is gonna be, but I dont care anymore. So if care, read me~!!

The next few posts will probably be a only few paragraphs long, each about 3 sentences at most. So... Just to be fair, I'm warning y'all with this post~! Be ready for a barrage of stuff!

Card

2007-09-22T07:38:00.000+08:00

Anyone here knows how to design wedding cards? Nah... Never mind. I'll do it meself. Hahahahahahaha~!!! <-- histerical.

Fire

2007-09-22T07:25:00.000+08:00

Ahh~... I think I have been lacking a fiery attitude these past few weeks. I just don't feel fired up. nothing to suggest that I should be enflamed with passion. I dunno... I guess doing something i dislike really douses the flames... Procrastination does that too...

Now I feel like shouting...

YEARRRRRGH~!!!!

Everyone... Let's shout with me~! YEEAAARRARARARRARGGGGGHHHHH~!!

Ah~! That felt like something...

p/s: If you were waiting for an elaborate whiny post, then you're mistaken. You see, i am a dude... Not a dudette. So our emotional reflexes tend to be more primal than eloquent. So there~!

2007-09-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

I took 'em off... It became rather off character for this blog to host ads. I've decided I'll probably create another blog for my ads.

This one tends to draw ads I don't fancy.

Adverts

2007-09-21T21:05:00.001+08:00

Some of you might have noticed that I've put up some ad blocks on this site. I'm actually trying to test AdSense out and see what might come of it.

Right now, I guess, there have been some ads that I don't prefer having shown on this page. Unfortunate. Since I thought Google scans the site for content before putting up relevant ads.

Children

2007-09-21T11:39:00.000+08:00

Heheh. This funny this:

Dick Cavett - "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

Copied from Web Clips in GMail. Heheh.

Cute

2007-09-20T05:48:00.000+08:00

Episod 1: Esok Puasa

Episod 2: Dugaan

Episod 3: Nikmat

[update 22.09.2007]
Episod 4: Terawih

[/update]

I love these little dudes~! Ahahaha~! Funnay~!

Here are some of my favourite quotes:

"Betul!Betul!Betul!" - Ipin to Upin

---

"Kak Ros bukak TV berapa tuh?" - Ipin

"TV Semilaan!!" - Kak Ros

"Ha! Bagus!Bagus!" - Ipin

---

"Ei... Kamu berdua kan puaaaa~se?" - Mei Mei

"Uuhhh... Puasa! Puasa!" - Upin and Ipin to Mei Mei

---

"Bis-mil-laaaaaa-hirr-rah-maaaaa-nir-ra-him! Aamin!" - Upin and Ipin, hungry for food during fast-breaking.

Reminds me of when we were small. Heheh~!

Separation

2007-09-19T16:30:00.000+08:00

Today, a well-respected brother is gonnna fly to UK. He's gonna follow the path towards his success. I hope that his success will contribute greatly towards Islam.

Each person will have his/her own path. Paths will converge and diverge. When it comes time to follow one's own path, let it be known that others will be with you in soul if not in self.

Quick-Tongue

2007-09-18T19:43:00.000+08:00

This is not a poem; it's a lamentation...

Why do we have to let our tongues run loose?
Letting it fire blast upon blast unto people,
Thinking, "They will forgive me,
"For we are brothers."

Why do we lack so much control on what we say?
That what we say fares little investment or care
In the feelings of others...

Why do we forget the ayat in the Qur'an,
That remind us:

O ye who believe!
let not some men among you laugh at others:
it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former):
nor let some women laugh at others:
it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former):
nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other,
nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames:
ill-seeming is a name connoting wickedness,
(to be used of one) after he has believed:
and those who do not desist are (indeed) doing wrong.
[49:11]

How easily do we let it by us.
Forgotten and neglected.

How easily do we call names upon others,
Yet how easy do we forget,
That we are almost no different.

Pressure

2007-09-18T06:19:00.000+08:00

WARNING!!! Whiny post as first reappearance after long absence of long posts.

I am feeling the pressure of student life as of the moment. I guess I 've been on this matter for three semesters already. Which tells of why I was hesitant to post anymore. I really don't like repetitive whiny posts.

But since I feel too pressured to do anything as of the moment, I'll take time to write down a few things.

Bismillah...

---

I guess people really do need to express what preoccupies their minds the most. For the moment, what preoccupies my mind the most are two; PSM and marriage.

Someone once said about my current "serabut" state that it was due to "'Umayr serabut nak kahwin!" I guess it is true in a way... My PSM strikes me as having very slow progress. I seem to have little motivation to shape up my system, and I literally have to force my will unto myself to code (very repetitive and boring). Place on top of that, the fact that I have almost no pride or esteem whatsoever in what my system is about. It is, you might put it, blasphemously ordinary.

I guess I'm really getting pressured by the fact that I'm gonna get married soon. I mean, before, I only did most things for myself. The ultimate drive was to serve my purposes (albeit for dunia or akhirah). I was free to decide, and I would know any decision I make would only greatly affect one person; me. I could drop a subject or two, without worrying that I'll have to extend. Hey, it's my life, and I'll pursue it how I like. I could do things at my pace; to lounge about or to fast-forward, and again, it's my life, so I'm free to pursue it how I like. I could forever decide to take or to let go, to give or to receive, and at the end of the day, I can still hold to myself that it will affect mostly me.

I have always lived in the present, giving little, though not none at all, thought about the future. I have for the most part of my life been a spontaneous person, taking little more than a few considerations to life-influencing events of my life. And now, a milestone appears that is forcing me to shift my paradigm of life.

I now have to lessen spontaneity and gain foresight. I now have to start to plan ahead more thoroughly than before. I now have to worry about life more seriously than before. I now have to start thinking about how I'm gonna go about making a living. And my reasons would be more valid than most. Because I have taken that first step towards building a muslim family.

All in all, I guess getting married is good way to put motivation in me. It puts me in a situation where I start thinking, "I have to end my studies this semester!" Which is, in a way, putting a foreseeable deadline for me to achieve my targets. It kinda forces me to pace up a little.

---

PSM places a different kind of pressure on me. Where getting married is a drive for me to perform, PSM counteracts that.

I usually perform great at those things I consider very interesting. Unfortunately the opposite is also true when applied to my person; I perform worst when I find something very uninteresting. PSM counts in the VERY UNinteresting category.

I hate bureaucracy. I hate doing reports. I hate repetitive tasks. I have no love for doing ordinary stuff (my flaw). I hate feeling helpless. I hate it when I can find no pride in what I do. All that... I can feel with my PSM.

It's a wonder that I can still survive this far. I guess that part of it is due to my very forgiving supervisor. The amount of patience she invested in me was nothing short of a miracle.

When I think back... I guess most people will go through these kinds of pressures in life. Mine is PSM. It sounds really mediocre when compared to things like, the tsunami, or a family break-up, or civil war, or being victims of hate-crimes. But then again, at this moment, PSM really seems to be the prevalent pressure point for me.

---

The end.
Told you... A whiny post. Never good to read, but lessens a little of the pressure.

Mystery?

2007-09-14T20:09:00.000+08:00

What have you been up to these last few months?
Why haven't you been updating?!

And for God's sake... Why have you only been updating short posts?!

Ah... The mystery... Although it really isn't. It's just that I haven't felt like updating since... Since... Since I went through a fast-forward phase during my practical training. Since then, I haven't really gotten back into the mood of updating my blog.

And let's face it. It's MY BLOG. Ahahahaha! <--- insert diabolical tone of laughter right here.

Okay... So maybe that was a bit much. So I apologise to those who has been expecting my posts. And to those who have been complaining about my short ones (sorry mr moshi²).

Three

2007-09-13T06:57:00.000+08:00

Three months left!!!

And now you know (without a doubt) what I mean. Heheh.

News

2007-09-13T06:44:00.000+08:00

HoooooOOOOookay! It's out...

For those who didn't already know, or those who live too far to even hear the rumours...

I am, insyaALLAH, going to get married this end of year.

In case your still curious... Click on the tag (there's only one) associated with this post. You'll see posts associated with this topic. :)

Idea

2007-08-27T15:36:00.000+08:00

I had an idea... But as my mind raced, the idea flew away.

Who?

2007-08-15T20:33:00.000+08:00

Who am I?

The greatest question to be asked with regards to spirituality.

So... Who am I?

Entertainment

2007-08-14T19:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes what you might see as entertaining might not be for others...

Fire

2007-08-03T08:27:00.000+08:00

With this... I am starting a fire on my blogging network. How?

Just write ONE sentence with words or even only one word related to "fire" and post it (can be in any language).
Then tag as many people you think reads your blog.

My sentence:
My fiery nature sparked an interest in quite an amount of people.

I tag:

Cbox

2007-08-03T08:25:00.000+08:00

I intentionally flooded my cbox due to some people posting some unruly comments about me farting. My blog. So there!

Blogs

2007-08-03T08:21:00.000+08:00

Eighteen out of fifty-two people (some of whom have more than one blog) whose blogs I read are guys.

Hmm... Is it so weird for guys to blog? I wonder... Somebody told me once about a friend who said that guys (with reference to me) blogging are weird. Hahah! Now I think what's weird is that comment. I don't see no genderification of blogging yet... Plenty men blog.

Hmm... What'd you guys think?

Addicted

2007-08-02T07:24:00.000+08:00

67%

Austin Singles from Mingle²

Ahahaha! Am I really *that* addicted to blogging? Huahaha!

Counting

2007-08-01T15:10:00.000+08:00

Waaaa!! Another 4 months!!! Waaaaa!!!!

Tralala... Best nyer jadi orang grad nanti...

Tapi tak best sebab dah kene cari keje...

Sape nak bagi kerja kat saya?! Meh la sini! Saya beri resume... Nak?

ITC

2007-08-01T15:03:00.000+08:00

IT Convention UTM: An MSP's Perpective
Wednesday 1st August 2007

25th July to the 28th marked an IT Convention at UTM as never done before (at least in UTM, ;) ). It was organized by Kolej Tun Hussein Onn (KTHO) with Microsoft as the coorganizer.

There were several key events during the four days, manning the Microsoft Windows Vista booth was the prevailing one for all four days. And even in the hecticness of coorganizing the whole event, we had to plan and execute some sub-events which gives and exposure to Vista (especially) and other Microsoft products.

The simplest activity we did was called Explorace Windows Vista, or more passionately knownto the committee members as 7 Wows. What we did was to place 7 laptops at 7 locations with 7 attendants where each told of one of 7 highlighted features in Windows Vista.

It was a cool experience. From my perspective as an MSP, I had to tutor the whole group of attendants to understand the features they were supposed to demo/explain about. The guys were very compliant and passionate that they stayed up until three o'clock just to listen to me babble on about Vista. It's been quite some time since I've seen that kind of passion.

I then had to demo Vista and Office 2007 on Friday afternoon. Two half-hour sessions with quite some time for clarification on features and questions. There weren't as much response as we hoped for. I guess many were more interested in activities such as teh 7 Wows rather than listening to demos and talks. But anyhow, those that came generated quite an amount of interesting questions, thus it became quite the event just for the interactivity.

The next sub-event that took energy and and a LOT of preparation was the Vista Gadgets Workshop planned for Saturday 28th. The plan was to give away Vista Business (under the MSDN AA of course), but requiring the students to learn something before they acquire their copy of Vista Business. We targetted 120 Computer Science students, in 2 days of active marketting. We also targetted to accomodate all 120 students in 6 half-hour sessions ranging from 10am to 1.20pm. The students may choose their own time.

The active marketing we did was for one and a half days. Almost the whole of Thurday, and pretty much all of Friday morning. The excitement was quite something to behold. Fellow students came in groups just to know what it's all about. They even asked their friends to come along, putting the names down even over the phone. Nice experience.

The end response? It was so good that eventually we had to turn down people just because of limited seats! We couldn't accommodate too many due to limited computers and time for the hands-on. This is also due to the fact that we had to accommodate for the Vista Launch that happened on the same day, only later in the afternoon.

There were some setbacks however early on. Due to some constraints and limits, the computers just weren't ready by the 10 o'clock deadline. There were even computers that had to be put aside because of the limits in supplying power. The setbacks were overcome nontheless, although we did have to resort to some unorthodox methods of rearranging the workshop venue. :)

The workshop experience was also cool. I don't think I ever did 6 back to back half-hour sessions in one go! Man... It was tiring. You can guess how sore my throat was by the end. But then again, the fatigue only adds to the sweetness of actually being able to pull it off albeit with some setbacks early on.

The Vista Launch was done in the afternoon of Saturday 28th. At about 3 o'clock. The speeches aside, there were some cool gimmicks that the event committe did. They utilized a UTM Robocon robot to pass a hammer to the Dato' (oh by the way, the officiator of the Vista Launch was Dato' Dr Alias Mohd Noor, the TNC HEP of UTM), who then used the hammer to get rid of the ice surrounding a mock Vista DVD. The TNC then put the DVD into a CPU placed on stage. Then the Vista Launch video was played. By the end of that, balloons were dropped from above revealing "Wow of Vista" spelled out on the balcony of the hall.

Overall, the whole event was an experience to be remembered. There were a whole bunch of new people to meet. There were cool and passionate committee members to help us out. There was also a hectic atmosphere before and during the event. All of which adds spice to an event that creates memories and impact for the participants and organizers alike.

I guess that's all for now. Maybe the next time will be more interesting. :) I sure hope so...

'Umayr Sayfurrahman bin Ainullotfi
UTM Skudai Microsoft Student Partner.

"It was We Who created man, and We know what dark suggestions his soul makes to him: for We are nearer to him than (his) jugular vein." Qur'an [Qaaf:16]

Pandai

2007-08-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

Pandai
Oleh: 'Umayr SRA

Aku pandai bermadah...
Aku pandai berkata...
Namun hasilnya?

Aku pandai berinteraksi...
Aku pandai beraksi...
Namun hasilnya?

Aku pandai mempengaruh...
Aku pandai memujuk...
Namun hasilnya?!

Ya Allah...
Andai Engkau melihat pada hasil usahaku semata,
Nescaya aku takut aku tak mampu masuk ke syurgaMu.

Maka Kau jadikanlah aku manusia yang tetap berusaha,
Walau dalam kehampaan hasil seteruk mana sekalipun.

Maka kau jadikanlah aku insan yang tetap tabah dan teguh hatinya,
Dalam menjaga batas dan nilai agamaMu.

Maka Engkau pertingkatkan kefahamanku,
Agar aku faham;
Siapakah diriMu...
Kenapa Kau jadikan ku...
Apa tanggungjawabku...
Siapa saudaraku...
Dimanakah tempatku...

Maka Engkau perteguhkanlah tekadku,
Agar aku tetap;
Dalam keimanan yang jitu...
Dalam kesungguhan yang memacu...
Agar aku kekal;
Atas jalan agamaMu...
Atas jalan ketaatan kepadaMu...
Atas jalan mengajak manusia ke arahMu...

Ya Allah...
Aku masih lemah.
Jiwaku masih ternoda dengan dosa yang sekian kecil.
Benak diriku masih dihantui perasaan mazmumah.
Kau buangkanlah segala itu dari hatiku.
Kau kikislah sisa-sisa daki busuk itu dari teras diriku!
Hanya saja Engkau tempat berlindungku.
Dari jahatnya diriku sendiri.

Wahai Allah...
Wahai arRahman...
Wahai arRahiim...
Wahai Yang Maha Bijaksana!
Wahai Yang Maha Agung!
Wahai Dzul Jalaali wal Ikraam!!!

---

Tunduklah wahai hati yang degil.
Sedarlah wahai jiwa yang liat!
Diamlah wahai nafsu yang bergolak!
Tenanglah wahai diri yang keliru...

---

Nota:
Ini bukan dimaksudkan sebagai sajak. Tapi ianya rintihan hati seorang manusia yang belum sedar dirinya terlalu kerdil dibanding Allah yang Maha Esa. Takutlah tidak-ikhlasnya diri.

Reentry

2007-07-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

It's the first week of semester. And I already feel pressured. Unbelievable.

Heartfelt

2007-07-13T11:37:00.001+08:00

I feel like crying...

WHY??!

I dislike feeling distant.

Distactions leave me worn...

Ghafir

2007-06-28T15:55:00.000+08:00

find these:

[3:135]

[3:146-147]

...elab later...

Countdown

2007-06-26T14:58:00.000+08:00

I want to start a countdown!

Another 5 months plus!!!

Mihnah

2007-06-21T01:30:00.000+08:00

Dedikasi buat yang lemah dek ujian dan mihnah...

---

Mihnah
- 'Umayr SRA [21.06.2007]

Sebuah rangkap madah indah
Menjadi sentuhan penghibur jiwa
Agar kau merasakan hilang gundah
Merawat jiwa yang dihambat lara

Perkasakan dirimu hai jiwa mujahid!
Kuatkan dirimu hai jiwa mujahidah!
Engkau penjunjung kalimah tauhid,
Pastikan engkau tabah menghadapi mihnah.

Engkau akan lalui pelbagai ujian
Maka hadapilah dengan penuh ketabahan

Engkau bakal diuji dengan dugaan hati
Maka siramlah ia dengan dzikir ilahi
Moga kan terbit dan hadir kembali
Sinar cahaya dari ikhlasnya hati

Ikhwaniy dan Akhawatiy...
Sabarlah...
Tabahlah...
Istiqamahlah...
Moga kita bertemu di Jannatu lLah!

Sun

2007-06-20T11:27:00.000+08:00

Heard of Surah Asy-Syams?

That's what this song is all about... [Ays-Syams:1-10]

In English:

"[1] By the Sun and its (glorious) splendour;

[2] By the Moon as it follows (the Sun);

[3] By the Day as it shows up (the Sun's) glory;

[4] By the Night as it conceals it;

[5] By the Firmament and its (wonderful) structure;

[6] By the Earth and its (wide) expanse;

[7] By the Soul, and the proportion and order given to it;

[8] And its enlightenment as to its wrong and its right;

[9] Truly he succeeds that purifies it,

[10] And he fails that corrupts it!" [Ays-Syams: 1-10]

In Melayu:

"[1] Demi matahari dan cahayanya yang terang-benderang;

[2] Dan bulan apabila ia mengiringinya;

[3] Dan siang apabila ia memperlihatkannya dengan jelas nyata;

[4] Dan malam apabila ia menyelubunginya (dengan gelap- gelita),

[5] Demi langit dan Yang membinanya (dalam bentuk yang kuat kukuh yang melambangkan kekuasaanNya);

[6] Serta bumi dan Yang menghamparkannya (untuk kemudahan makhluk-makhlukNya);

[7] Demi diri manusia dan Yang menyempurnakan kejadiannya (dengan kelengkapan yang sesuai dengan keadaannya);

[8] Serta mengilhamkannya (untuk mengenal) jalan yang membawanya kepada kejahatan, dan yang membawanya kepada bertakwa;

[9] Sesungguhnya berjayalah orang yang menjadikan dirinya yang sedia bersih bertambah-tambah bersih (dengan iman dan amal kebajikan),

[10]Dan sesungguhnya hampalah orang yang menjadikan dirinya yang sedia bersih itu susut dan terbenam kebersihannya (dengan sebab kekotoran maksiat)." [Ays-Syams: 1-10]

Kembali

2007-06-20T10:50:00.000+08:00

Sebuah sajak, aku dedikasikan buat diriku dan yang sejiwa denganku mengharap pada Yang Tertinggi...

Dedikasi khas buat sahabatku Hafiz Bai. Yang bakal melangkah meninggalkan kami untuk meneruskan perjuangannya mengumpul ilmu ilahi.

---

Kembali
- 'Umayr SRA [20.06.2007]

Kau terhenti sebentar
Lantaran terdetik di jiwa
Suatu perasaan gusar
Mendorong hentinya langkah
Ke arah sebuah tujuan
Ke arah sebuah daerah
Atas suatu jalan
Fii sabili lLah...

Setelah sejenak kau berhenti
Setelah sesaat merenung kembali
Lantas kau temui
Sebuah inspirasi
Memulangkan keyakinan diri
Untuk terus berjuang kini

Tulislah kembali
Ucaplah kembali
Dengan kata-kata yang penuh hikmah
Dengan ungkapan imbauan pengalaman
Sentuhan sebuah hidup yang berwarna-warni
Dengan pelbagai kekuatan
Terbitan dari pelbagai sumber jiwa
Berinspirasi seni ruhi

Lalu kumpulkanlah seluruh daya kekuatanmu
Kembalikan semangat perjuanganmu
Hapuskan bayang semu dalam jiwamu
Bersihkan kotor dosa yang manghambat hatimu

Kemudian melangkahlah
Menuju sebuah keindahan
Menghampiri sebuah taman
Yang telah dijanjikan
Untuk mereka yang beriman
Dan tetap istiqamah dalam perjuangan

Ikhwaniy waakhawatiy
Da'wah ini bagaikan seni
Penuh dengan selok belok yang belum ditentukan
Ragamnya, engkau bebas mencorakkan
Indahnya, engkau bebas menggambarkan
Tetapi ingat...
Hasilnya, Allah yang menentukan...

Allahua'lam...

Gravatar

2007-06-19T11:17:00.000+08:00

This is mine:

Jerit

2007-06-18T20:23:00.000+08:00

Aku rasa sengal... Haha!

baru membaca sedikit, tapi telah terasa kesengalan dan kejahilan diri ini...

Adeih... Teruknya aku...

---

Aku dah lama tak menulis yang berisi. Diri sendiri tengah rasa cukup tak berilmu... Aqal dah tumpul kot. Kene tajamkan balik.

---

Agaknya aqalku tumpul sebab dah jarang kot amalanku. Entah la... Hati rasa tak tenteram...

Kalian du'akan ya...

---

Allahumma... Kau ampunilah segala dosa yang mebuatkan hati ini gelap Ya Rabb. Kau hindarkanlah diriku ini dari terpijak dan terjebak ke dalam perkara yang Engkau munkari. Sungguh, aku rasa terlalu teruk diri ini Ya Allah... Kau turunkanlah ketenangan ke dalam hati ini ya Allah...

---

Hati Meraunnggg!!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh~~!

Walimah

2007-06-13T07:23:00.000+08:00

Here are more pics. This time it's at Zak's house.

(more)

Wedding

2007-06-12T17:30:00.000+08:00

Last weekend I went to my friends' wedding. There was only one wedding although I did say "friends' ". Yep, they got married to each other!

Congratulations Zak and Wanie!

Here are some pictures to commemorate the moment:

(more)

Code

2007-06-11T15:46:00.000+08:00

Code 19? In relation to the Qur'an?

Can anyone tell me about what it is? It's authenticity?

Comments please.

Reappearance

2007-06-07T10:03:00.000+08:00

I am now ready to retake the mantle of my online presence.

May Allah make this renewal of confidence a lasting one. May He make my faith in Him steadfast and true.

Amiin.

I thank those who lent me support.

Barakallahuu fiikum, wajazakumu lLahu ~~jannatu~~ jannata l-firdausi wakhairan kathira.

Visible

2007-06-07T09:44:00.000+08:00

What do you do if you become someone whose actions affect the people around you? I dunno... I feel as if I have almost become someone like that. Call me perasan, or whatever. But I do think that.

It's not as if I like it. but then it's not as if I dislike it neither. But I get disconcerted whenever I find out that there's another reader of this blog who takes me seriously.

It's not that I don't appreciate it. Far from it. But I feel... I dunno. Weird. It always things like this that make me start to question myself. Who am I that I deserve such attention? What have I done to let me have such?

The comes the what-ifs. Now that scares me; what-ifs really do. What if people interpret my actions wrongly? What if something I do, however little, pushes someone just over the edge? What if anything I do affects the effectiveness of any group that I am part of?

Those kinds of questions really scares me. I used to live rather free. Free to do what I want. Free to drop anything I want. Free to push the limits. Free to do nothing or anything. All according to my will. But now when considering a bunch of other things in my life, and considering the effects and ripples that I may make through all my connections, I shudder at the implications.

Because I am connected to so many, and because of my loud nature, it could be that any little action I take that is observable by even few makes ripples that is felt by many. Of course, it could also mean that I'm getting paranoid. Which I truly hope I am not.

Sometimes though I just can't help it when the feeling of wanting to help, the feeling of wanting to be of service and to be useful to someone overwhelms me. That's mostly why I almost can't say no to people. Thus taking on another responsibility that would produce ripple-making actions.

I hope to God that I make no undesirable effects on people. I got scared these last few weeks observing the effects of certain actions of mine a few months prior. I really hope they turn out to be good effects taht bring blessing upon me rather than curses.

Allahua'lam.

Friend

2007-06-06T16:57:00.000+08:00

Four friends of mine got married last weekend. Two pairs.

Bro Nizam and Sis Safura; Bro Hadi and Sis Hayati.

Congratulations to them. I only went to one wedding though (Safura and Nizam's). Hadi and Yati's I didn't go. I was on the road at the time, travelling on vacation. Ahahaa!

Jealousy

2007-06-06T15:35:00.000+08:00

I get jealous of the Islamist movements in Indonesia. Why? It's because of their sincerity and their ability to push and push and push the da'wah to all kinds of people.

They even have "Usrah Pencopet Saku.*" One story regarding this group went something like this:

An Ustaz went into the area where pickpockets were rampant. And he lost his wallet. He complained to a friend of his, who apparently was the murabbi of this "Usrah Pencopet Saku."

The murabbi then went to his group to ask about his friend's wallet.

Murabbi: Here... My friend, an Ustaz, just lost his wallet. I wonder if any of you knows where it is.

Mutarabbi: Hmm... The color and appearance?

The murabbi told him.

Mutarabbi: Hold on moment.

The mutarabbi goes off for a while. Then he comes back with the described wallet.

Mutarabbi: Here it is.

Mutarabbi passes the wallet to his murabbi and the murabbi passes it back to the owner.

When I heard of "Usrah Pencopet Saku", I laughed. Although the irony of it does strike me, I have to say to say that here in Malaysia, I doubt anyone from any Islamic movement group has achieved that kinda level. With the eagerness to actually reform people extending even to these kinds of people. People who would usually receive looks of disapproval just because of what they do. Granted, pick-pocketing is not an honest job. But who knows why they do it, if people do not care to approach them and try to understand them?

Whenever I think back on this matter, I get jealous. Not jealous as such that I intend to take them down outright, but jealous in reflectance of our (me especially) inadequacies.

I really hope that one day, Malaysia becomes an Islamic nation in the purest of senses. A nation that fears God with sincerity and it reflects in the society.

Allahua'lam.

* Usrah pencopet saku is my designation of their usrah. Just for easy reference.

Lawan-Arus

2007-06-06T12:16:00.000+08:00

Saya suka bila ada cetusan idea yang menentang arus. Saya tak percaya dan tak suka jika orang yang memanggil diri sendiri sebagai pendakwah tidak berfikir dan mempersoalkan kebenaran apa yang dibawanya dan apa yang dipercayainya. Boleh jadi dia tersesat, dan kerana terlalu percaya apa yang dibawa, dia terus sesat.

Pendakwah yang takde sifat kritikal tak robust, dan tak mampu bertahan berhujah dengan orang yang fasiq yang tersusun nilai dan ideanya. Pendakwah yang tidak kritikal juga tidak mampu untuk mengalih paradigma dalam situasi yang memerlukan pengalihan paradigma. Pendakwah yang tidak kritikal juga akan banyak copy-paste. Kata-katanya, tulisannya dan ideanya hanya sekadar muntahan idea tanpa cernaan makna. Apa yang dia dapat, bulat-bulat tu lah yang dimuntahkan kembali. Kefahaman? Belum tentu.

Saya nak adik-adik dan ikhwan akhawat semua menjadi kritikal. Bukanlah bermaksud anda semua semua kene mempersoal dan mempertikaikan semua hukum-hakam yang tersedia establish secara qat'ie. Tapi sekurang-kuangnya persoalkanlah perkara berita dan isu semasa. Naik tahap sikit, persoalkanlah tentang cara bekerja dan the "how of things." Naik lagi sikit, persoalkan "the why of things." Biar faham bebetul apa tu jalan dakwah dan cabaran jalan dakwah, bukan sekadar muntahan apa yang dipelajari di sekolah-sekolah agama dan sekolah-sekolah Islam yang dah merata-rata kat Malaysia nih. Bukan juga semata-mata apa yang dipelajari dalam liqa' yang dinamakan usrah atau halaqah di universiti-universiti.

Tapi dalam berlaku kritikal janganlah sampai tahap melampau. Sehingga tak terlaksana perancangan kerana terlalu kerap berbincang. Terlalu kerap mempersoal.

Berlakulah kritikal dengan adil. Tegur bila sesuatu tidak betul. Tegur bila perlukan peneguran. Tapi tidaklah sampai merosakkan niat dan perancangan. Jangan sampai jadi paranoid kerana semua dipersoalkan.

Allahua'lam...
Yang gembira melihat adik-adik dan saudara-saudari yang bertungkus-lumus dalam da'wah.

Al-Akh 'Umayr.

Learning

2007-06-06T11:32:00.000+08:00

There are still lots of things for me to learn. Too many.

There is a saying:

One feels less knowledgeable as one acquires more knowledge...

I dunno. But I think that aptly describes me. Just when I thought I had understood men and people, more comes around the corner and confounds me. Even those I already know confound me at times.

I guess the subject of people is a very fluid subject and wholly founded on probability. Even then, it is still rather inaccurate. People change, and that change could be within moments or within a span of years. Who knows? You might define someone as a close friend at one moment, and in the next, they're the worst of enemies. A'udzu billahi min dzalik.

Gratitude

2007-06-06T09:38:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah.... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...

Growth

2007-06-01T00:47:00.000+08:00

When I look back at my old posts, I laugh at the immaturity of my writing. How pure the innocence and naivette.

Take this for example:
Dilemma; Haunting and ARRRRRGH!!

That was written close to a year before. Maybe even more. Compare it to this:
Anticipation

See the difference? The first post was literally shouting, "LOOK AT ME!! I AM HERE!! I WANT ATTENTION!!" Whereas the second post places less emphasis on the eyes of others and more on an introspection of the self, and the flow of life.

"A year is a lot of time for a person to grow, ustazah." [me to one of my teachers after a year out of school]

It seems to me that I am a different person each year. Comparing the me of this year and the me of the last, I believe that this year's me have gotten a little more serious and a tad less rash. This year's me would consider a lot of things before he jumps into a new project. As opposed to the last year's me who would jump into new projects - although old ones still need finishing up - without too long a delay just for the sake of experience and the high rush of activity.

Today, I prefer taking a deliberate pace. Looking at things with focus. At the same time, not loosing the big picture. I now try to have the end in mind even before I start. Although I do not always succeed, to try is always better than to not try at all.

I am actually thinking seriously now about my future. What I am and what I will be. Who I am and who I will be. I now consider the paths of life opened up to me so far and the paths of life I have yet to explore. It all seems like a grand adventure, yet in all of my exeberance, I now look at adventure in a different perpective. It's not anymore the wild fun as I would see adventure just a mere few years back, but it's now a battle plan. Devising a strategy to tackle life and its obstacles. To place myself in society. To find my identity and an island of peace amongst brothers. And to hopefully, become an island of peace myself to others.

Disagree

2007-05-31T00:34:00.000+08:00

"Who loves not women, wine and song remains a fool his whole life long." - Martin Luther

I soooo don't agree.

Anticipation

2007-05-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

Milestones of life are those defining points where you reevaluate yourself and your identity. You think back on who you are. You think about who you currently are. Then you think about who you will be in the future.

These milestones might come at any point of your life. When you are still small, still unable to understand the significance of events. When you grow into your teenage years, able to think yet still lacking emotional control. And later on in life, when you mature into your years, able now to appreciate and grasp control of a significant portion of your life. Yet still, however, subject to fate and destiny.

It could be that the milestone is one significant event or a multitude or few. A tragedy or a victory. But always... Always we remember those events. The divorce of parents, or a marriage of two people. The death of a dear one or the birth of a child. The failure at university or a graduation with first class. The worst exam score or the best. But always, always a significance. Always, always leaving a deep emotional touch to the soul.

What defines us is how we learn from those events. How we take lessons from our experiences. How we analyse the aspects of the events. How we feel the emotions related and manifest them in our lives. Ultimately that is what forges us to be what we are. Who we are.

We cannot see what is to happen in the future, but we can plan. We can anticipate current events and act for the future. Thus there is no reason as such to blame God for the path he has determined for us. He has given us will. He let us have ikhtiyar. He gave us what we now have to use as our resources. From our minds to our sights to our hearts to our expressions and emotions. He gave us the right to utilise all we have at our hands to be creative with. To explore our possibilities, to plan, to hope for the future with. To assist with solving problems.

Thus we can anticipate milestones as best we can with the faculties Allah has provided. It may not come to pass as we might have foreseen. But nevertheless, it will always be something to be learnt from.

As of now... I am myself anticipating a milestone in my life. Would it come to pass as I hope it would? I should hope so... For the time between now and then, I ask Allah for the best. Though best for me might not be the best in my limited view.

'Ujub

2007-05-29T15:42:00.000+08:00

I tend to think highly upon myself. And this sometimes lead to poblems of the heart such as mentioned in the title of this post. Yes. 'Ujub. The feeling of being amazed at oneself.

You are amazed that you know more than your peers. You are amazed that you have a certain aptitude of skill over others. You are amazed that you can remain calm in a situation that is dire to others.

The only cure? Humility...

Namesake

2007-05-28T16:01:00.000+08:00

Read the story of my namesake:

'Umayr ibn Sa'd Al-Ansari
source: (click!)

Umayr ibn Sad became an orphan at an early age. His father died leaving him and his mother poor and destitute. His mother eventually married again, to one of the richest men in Madinah. His name was Julas ibn Suwayd who was from the powerful tribe of al-Aws.

Umayr was well looked after by Julas and loved him as a son would love a father. Indeed he began to forget that he was an orphan. As Umayr grew older, Julas fondness and love for him grew. Julas would marvel at the intelligence he displayed in everything he did and at the honesty and trustworthiness which characterized his behavior.

When he was barely ten years old, Umayr became a Muslim. Faith found in his tender heart a secure niche and penetrated deeply into his being. In spite of youthfulness, he would never delay in the performance of salat behind the noble Prophet. Often he would be found in the first row of worshippers, hoping for the thawab promised those who attend mosques early and sit in the foremost rows. His mother was particularly pleased whenever she saw him going to and coming from the mosque, sometimes with her husband and sometimes alone.

Umayr's days passed in this fashion with no major disturbance to upset his calm and contentment. This idyllic state, however, could not last forever. Umayr was soon to face a most difficult test for a boy of his age, a test which shook the peaceful and loving atmosphere of his home and challenged the steadfastness of his faith.

In the ninth year after the Hijrah, the Prophet, peace and blessings of God be on him, announced his intention to lead an expedition to Tabuk against the Byzantine forces. He ordered the Muslims to get themselves ready and make the necessary preparations.

Usually when the Prophet wanted to go on a military campaign he would not give precise details of his objective or he would set off in a direction opposite to his intended destination. This was for security purposes and to confound the enemy's intelligence service. This he did not do in announcing the expedition to Tabuk. This was perhaps because of the great distance of Tabuk from Madinah, the enormous difficulties expected and the overwhelming strength of the enemy.

The preparations needed for this expedition had to be extensive. In spite of the fact that summer had set in and the intense heat produced languor and listlessness, and in spite of the fact that the date crops needed harvesting, the Muslims responded enthusiastically to the call of the Prophet and busied themselves in preparing for the arduous campaign ahead.

There was however a group of munafiqun or hypocrites who outwardly had declared their acceptance of Islam but inwardly did not believe in it. They were critical of the expedition and tried to weaken the resolve of the Muslims. They even ridiculed the Prophet in their private gatherings. Disbelief and hatred remained in their hearts.

One day, shortly before the army was due to set out, the young Umayr ibn Sad returned home after performing Salat in the mosque. He was all agog with excitement. He had just witnessed the great generosity and the spontaneous spirit of sacrifice which the Muslims displayed in preparing for the expedition. He had seen women of the Muhajirin and the Ansar donating their jewellery and their ornaments to buy provisions and equipment for the army. He had seen Uthman ibn Affan handing over a purse containing a thousand gold dinars to the Prophet and Abdur Rahman ibn Awl carrying on his shoulders two hundred awqiyyah of gold and placing it before the noble Prophet. Indeed he had even seen a man trying to sell his bed in order to purchase a sword for himself.

At home, he recalled these moving and inspiring scenes. He was surprised however that Julas was so slow in preparing for the expedition with the Prophet and at his delay in contributing especially since he was quite rich and could afford to give generously. Umayr felt that he had to arouse his ardor or stir his sense of generosity and manliness. So with great enthusiasm he related what he had seen and heard at the mosque particularly the case of those believers who, with great fervor, had come to enlist themselves in the army and were turned away by the Prophet because there was not sufficient means of transport. He related how sad and disappointed these people were at not realizing their desire to go on the path of Jihad and sacrifice for the sake of Islam. Julas' response was sharp and shocking.

"If Muhammad is true in claiming that he is a Prophet ," he shouted angrily, "then we are all worse than donkeys."

Umayr was flabbergasted. He could not believe what he had heard. He did not think that a man as intelligent as Julas could have uttered such words, words which put him instantly outside the pale of faith.

A host of questions paced through his mind and he immediately began to consider what action he should take. He saw in Julas' silence and his tardiness to respond to the Prophet's call, clear signs of a traitor to God and His Prophet, who wanted to bring harm to Islam in just the same way as the munafiqun who were plotting and conspiring against the Prophet. At the same time he saw a man who had treated him as a father and who was kind and generous to him, who had taken him as an orphan and had saved him from poverty.

Umayr had to choose between preserving this close relationship with Julas on the one hand and dealing with his treachery and hypocrisy on the other. The choice was painful but his decision was swift. He turned to Julas and said:

"By God, O Julas, there is no one on the face of the earth, after Muhammad ibn Abdullah, dearer to me than you. You are the closest of men to me and you have been most generous to me. But you have uttered words which, if I should mention them will expose and humiliate you. If I conceal them, however, I will be a traitor to my trust and destroy myself and my religion. I will, therefore, go to the Messenger of God, peace be upon him, and tell him what you have said. It is up to you to clarify your position."

The young Umayr went to the mosque and told the Prophet what he had heard from Julas. The Prophet asked him to stay with him and sent one of his companions to summon Julas.

Julas came, greeted the Prophet and sat in front of him. The Prophet, peace be upon him straightaway asked him: "What did you say that Umayr ibn Sad heard?" and he mentioned what Umayr had reported to him.

"He has lied against me, O Messenger of God, and has fabricated this. I have not uttered anything of the sort" asserted Julas.

The companions of the Prophet looked alternately at Julas and Umayr hoping to detect on their faces what their hearts concealed. They began to mutter among themselves. One of those in whose hearts was the disease of hypocrisy asserted:

"The youth is a nuisance. He is bent on defaming someone who has been good to him." Others replied: "Not at all. He is a youth who grew up in obedience to God. The expressions on his face attest to his truthfulness."

The Prophet, peace be on him, turned to Umayr and saw his flushed face and the tears streaming down his cheeks. Umayr prayed:

"O Lord, send down a revelation on Your Prophet to verify what I have told him." Julas meanwhile continued to defend what he had said: "What I have told you, O Messenger of God, is certainly the truth. If you wish, make us swear an oath in your presence. I swear by God that I did not say anything of the sort that Umayr reported to you."

As the companions turned to Umayr to hear what he had to say, they saw the Prophet come under a special mood of serenity and they realized that he was being inspired. Immediately there was complete silence as they gazed intently at the Prophet in anticipation.

At this point, fear and terror gripped Julas and he began to look tremulously at Umayr. The Prophet, having received the revelation, recited the words of God:

"(The hypocrites) swear by God that they have said (nothing wrong); yet most certainly they have uttered a saying which is a denial of the truth, and have thus denied the truth after having professed their self-surrender to God; for they were aiming at something which was beyond their reach. And they could find no fault (with the Faith) save that God had enriched them and (caused) His Apostle to enrich them out of His bounty. Hence, if they repent, it will be for their own good; but if they turn away, God will cause them to suffer a grievous suffering in this world and in the life to come and they will find no helper on earth, and none to give them succour." (The Quran, Surah at-Tawbah, 9:74).

Julas trembled with fear at what he heard and in his anguish, could hardly speak. Finally, he turned to the Prophet and said: "I do repent, O Messenger of God. I do repent. Umayr told the truth and I lied. I beseech God to accept my repentance..."

The Prophet turned to the young Umayr. Tears of joy moistened his youthful face, radiant with the light of faith. With his noble hand, the Prophet tenderly took his

ear and said:

"Young man, your ear has been true in what it heard and your Lord has confirmed the truth of what you said." Julas returned to the fold of Islam and was a good and faithful Muslim thereafter. The companions realized that by his generosity and good treatment of Umayr, he had reformed. Whenever Umayr was mentioned, Julas would say:

"My God reward Umayr with goodness on my behalf. He certainly saved me from kufr and preserved my neck from the fire of hell."

Umayr grew up and distinguished himself in later years with the same devotion and firmness which he had shown in early life.

During the caliphate of Umar ibn al-Khattab, the people of Hims in Syria complained much and bitterly of the governors appointed to the city even though Umar in particular used to pay special attention to the type of men he chose as his provincial governors. In selecting a governor, Umar would say: "I want a man who when he is among the people and is not their amir, should not behave as their amir, and when he is among them as an amir, he should behave as one of them.

"I want a governor who will not distinguish himself from the people by the clothes he wears, or the food he eats or the house he lives in."

"I want a governor who would establish Salat among the people, treat them equitably and with justice and does not close his door when they come to him in need."

In the light of the complaints of the people of Hims and going by his own criteria for a good governor, Umar ibn al-Khattab decided to appoint Umayr ibn Sad as governor of the region. This was despite the fact that Umayr at that time was at the head of a Muslim army traversing the Arabian peninsula and the region of great Syria, liberating towns, destroying enemy fortifications, pacifying the tribes and establishing masjids wherever he went. Umayr accepted the appointment as governor of Hims reluctantly because he preferred nothing better than Jihad in the path of God. He was still quite young, in his early twenties.

When Umayr reached Hims he called the inhabitants to a vast congregational prayer. When the prayer was over he addressed them. He began by praising and giving thanks to God and sending peace and blessings on His Prophet Muhammad. Then he said:

"O people! Islam is a mighty fortress and a sturdy gate. The fortress of Islam is justice and its gate is truth. If you destroy the fortress and demolish the gate you would undermine the defences of this religion.

"Islam will remain strong so long as the Sultan or central authority is strong. The strength of the Sultan neither comes from flogging with the whip, nor killing with the sword but from ruling with justice and holding fast to truth."

Umayr spent a full year in Hims during which, it is said, he did not write a single letter to the Amir al-Muminin. Nor did he send any taxes to the central treasury in Madinah, neither a dirham nor a dinar.

Umar was always concerned about the performance of his governors and was afraid that positions of authority would corrupt them. As far as he was concerned, there was no one who was free from sin and corrupting influences apart from the noble Prophet, peace be upon him. He summoned his secretary and said:

"Write to Umayr ibn Sad and say to him: "When the letter of the Amir al-Muminin reaches you, leave Hims and come to him and bring with you whatever taxes you have collected from the Muslims."

Umayr received the letter. He took his food pouch and hung his eating, drinking and washing utensils over his shoulder. He took his spear and left Hims and the governorship behind him. He set off for Madinah on foot.

As Umayr approached Madinah, he was badly sunburnt, his body was gaunt and his hair had grown long. His appearance showed all the signs of the long and arduous journey. Umar, on seeing him, was astonished. What's wrong with you, Umayr?" he asked with deep concern.

"Nothing is wrong with me, O Amir al-Muminin," replied Umayr. "I am fine and healthy, praise be to God, and I carry with me all (my) worldly possessions."

"And what worldly possessions have you got?" asked Umar thinking that he was carrying money for the Bayt al-mal or treasury of the Muslims."

"I have my pouch in which I put my food provisions. I have this vessel from which I eat and which I use for washing my hair and clothes. And I have this cup for making wudu and drinking..." "Did you come on foot?" asked Umar. "Yes, O Amir al-Muminin." "Weren't you given from your amirship an animal to ride on?" "They did not give me one and I did not ask them."

"And where is the amount you brought for the Baytalmal?"

"I didn't bring anything."

"And why not?"

"When I arrived at Hims," said Umayr, "I called the righteous persons of the town to a meeting and gave them the responsibility of collecting the taxes. Whenever they collected any amounts of money I would seek their advice and spent it (all) on those who were deserving among them."

At this point, Umar turned to his secretary and said:

"Renew the appointment of Umayr to the governorship of Hims." "Oh, come now," protested Umayr. "That is something which I do not desire. I shall not be a governor for you nor for anyone after you, O Amir al-Muminin."

With that Umayr asked the Khalifah's permission to go to his village on the outskirts of Madinah to live there with his family. This Umar granted.

A long time passed since Umayr had gone to his village and Umar decided to put him through a test to make sure of his circumstances. He said to one of his trusted aides called al-Harith:

"Harith, go to Umayr ibn Sad and stay with him as though you were a guest. If you see on him any signs of luxury or good living, return quietly as you went. If, however, you find him in straitened circumstances give him these dinars." Umar handed Harith a bag with a hundred dinars.

Al-Harith set our for Umayr's village and found his home after making enquiries.

"As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah," he greeted Umayr.

"Wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu," replied Umayr and asked, "From where have you come?"

"From aI-Madinah."

"How arr the Muslims there?"

"Fine."

"How is the Amir al-Muminin?"

"He is fine and doing well."

"Has he applied the hudud laws?"

"Yes. He carried out the sentence of punishment on his own son for committing the crime of adultery. His son died as a result of the punishment." Al-Harith continued: "O Allah, help Umar. I only know that he has a great love for you."

Al-Harith stayed as Umayr's guest for three nights. On each night he was given only a small flat piece of barley bread. On the third day a local man said to Harith:

"Umayr and his family are suffering great hardship. They only have these loaves which they have given you in preference to themselves. They are hungry and in great distress. Harith went to Umayr and gave him the bag of money.

"What is this?" asked Umayr.

"The Amir al-Muminin sent it to you."

"Return it to him. Give him my greetings of peace and tell him that Umayr has no need of it."

"Take it, O Umayr," shouted his wife who was listening to the conversation between her husband and his guest. "If you need it, you can spend it. If not, you can spend it in other appropriate ways, for those in need here are many."

When al-Harith heard what she had said, he placed the dinars in front of Umayr and left. Umayr took the money and placed it in a small bag. He only went to sleep that night after he had distributed the money to those in need and especially to the children of those who had been martyred.

Al-Harith returned to Madinah and was questioned by Umar al-Faruq.

"What have you seen, Harith?"

"A very distressing situation, O Amir al-Muminin."

"Did you give him the dinars?"

"Yes, O Amir al-Muminin."

"What did he do with them?"

"I don't know. But I think that he did not keep a single dirham of it for himself."

Al-Faruq wrote to Umayr: "When you receive this letter, I do not put it down until you come to me."

Umayr proceeded straightaway to Madinah. Umar greeted and welcomed him and proceeded to question him.

"What did you do with the dinars, Umayr?" "You have no responsibility for the money after you have donated it to me."

"I adjure you to tell me what you did with it."

"I stored it away for myself so that I could benefit from

it a day when neither wealth nor children will be of any avail." Tears came to Umar's eyes as he said:

"I swear that you are one of those who are hard against themselves even when they are in dire need." And he ordered a camel load of food and two garments to be given to Umayr who protested:

"About the food, we do not need it, O Amir al-Mumineen. I left two saas of barley with my family and when we have finished that, Allah- Great and Exalted is He - will provide. As for the two garments, I will take them for (my wife). Her dress is now in tatters and she is almost naked."

Not long after that meeting with Umar al-Faruq, Umayr ibn Sad passed away to his Lord. He was not weighted down with the cares and burdens of the world and he was concerned to provide plenty of provisions for the hereafter. Umar received the news of his death with a heavy heart and said in deep sorrow: "I have wished to have men like Umayr ibn Sad whose help I could seek in dealing with the affairs of Muslims."

----

I almost cried reading this. The level of sacrifice that he was willing to give. He is truly a mujahid. And me? So far yet behind... I feel like a fowl trying to chase eagles.

O Allah... Bestow upon me the same firmness and empathy of 'Umayr ibn Sa'd Al-Ansari, one of Your Rasul's Sahabah.

Heart

2007-05-28T12:43:00.000+08:00

Do you notice that when we KNOW something is forbidden or unrecommended, but we WANT to it anyway, we just do it?

"...hati kata jalan, kita jalan; walaupun akal kata jangan..."

"...the heart says walk, and we walk; although the mind says don't..."

This is why it's even worse when we deal with matters of syubhah (unclear or fuzzy matters of law). We tend to compromise principles and do what we WANT because the mind KNOWS nothing to keep the heart in check.

People are emotional creatures. That's the gist of being human. Without emotions men are dull and rational beings. Without emotions there is no thinking out of the box. Thus the mind would die from monotoneity. Thank God for emotions. For with emotions there is a drive to strive for the better. A barrier to block from mental decline. So long as the heart is guided by Allah and founded on taqwa.

Related posts:

Hati Raja; Aqal Advisor

Wahhabi

2007-05-27T02:28:00.000+08:00

What is this hype with wahhabism? Why are there so many who dislike wahhabism?

In the first place, what is wahhabism anyway? Who are the wahhabis? What is their culture? Anyone? Enlighten me... I dislike reading discussions that are one-sided. So I want to know what the phenomena (wahhabism) is.

Self

2007-05-26T20:25:00.000+08:00

It seems that my drive and my connections are all related to a sense of getting to know myself.

Two semesters ago, when I took the entrepreneurship class the lecturer asked some questions. The basic events went approximately like this:

Lecturer: Who here can claim to know themselves?
*a show of hands, but only a little; myself included*

Lecturer: Who here can claim to know themselves 50%?
*another show of hands, albeit a bit less; myself included again*

Lecturer: 70%?
*even less hands, countable by the fingers on one hand; myself still included*

Lecturer: 90%?
*only my hand was raisd now*

Now after a long time has passed. I reflect back on my claims. At the time, I supported my argument (for an argument it was) with these claims:

"...if a person knows that he/she is always learning about his/her self, then he/she knows hself very well..."

"...a person knows himself fully if he understands that he change in the next second..."

Now as I look back, I wonder if that was just arrogance playing on my not-wanting-to-lose nature.

I am an empathic person. I tend to look at people and see myself in almost each and every one. I feel sad when people are sad, because I see my sad when faced with the same circumstances. I feel people's vigour and happiness when they are so, because I see their situation in reflection of a similar happiness-inducing situation.

When i always relate what happens to people and how it affects them, it tends to make me question myself. Readdress my identity. My idea of myself.

As such, when events happen in my life, they almost always force me into reforging my identity. Making me emerge with a renewed sense of self. Albeit, not always with a good perception of who I am.

Thus far this year... There have been at least two major path definitions of my life. And that means two major reforgings of my soul and my self. In turn, affecting all else that I touch.

I dunno... I just hope that all of my identity reforgings are for the best. I guess it happens in all of us. Always... Always... Always the search for who we are. Always again the defining and redefining.

But then I wonder... if that is what makes us human. Allah knows. I leave it to Him to guide me.

الله أعلم

Insecure

2007-05-26T19:40:00.000+08:00

Today I feel so insecure.
I feel cut off.
I find it hard to cry.

My many fears are catching up.
My greatest fear still lurks.

My friends... I implore you.
Advise me.
Advise me with the Qur'an and Sunnah.
Advise me with good words.
Good reminders, insyaALLAH.

Please... I feel like a hypocrite.

I really need this.

Al-Fatrah passing over me.
Al-Fatrah striking laze in my heart.
Al-Fatrah laying doubt and fear and sadness within.

God help me return...

Johari

2007-05-26T09:59:00.001+08:00

This is what people think of me so far:

Arena

(known to self and others)

confident, energetic, idealistic, knowledgeable, religious, searching

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

adaptable, brave, caring, clever, complex, extroverted, friendly, helpful, independent, ingenious, intelligent, kind, logical, mature, observant, responsive, self-conscious, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous, warm, wise

Façade

(known only to self)

Unknown

(known to nobody)

able, accepting, bold, calm, cheerful, dependable, dignified, giving, happy, introverted, loving, modest, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, self-assertive, sensible, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, witty

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (0%) adaptable (20%) bold (0%) brave (10%) calm (0%) caring (10%) cheerful (0%) clever (20%) complex (20%) confident (30%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (20%) extroverted (10%) friendly (50%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (30%) idealistic (40%) independent (20%) ingenious (10%) intelligent (20%) introverted (0%) kind (10%) knowledgeable (40%) logical (20%) loving (0%) mature (20%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (20%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (30%) responsive (10%) searching (10%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (10%) sensible (0%) sentimental (30%) shy (10%) silly (20%) spontaneous (10%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (0%) warm (20%) wise (10%) witty (0%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 26.5.2007, using data from 10 respondents.

You can make your own Johari Window, or view YeopMayuru's full data.

Mujahid

2007-05-26T08:02:00.000+08:00

Mujahid Islam...

Betapa aku sungguh inginkan gelaran itu.
Namun terdetik di hati,
Apakah aku layak??

Tersentak...
Tatkala ada yang menggelarku demikian.
Walaupun aku sekadar menyampaikan,
Apa yang aku rasa diperlukan,
Oleh seorang saudara yang memerlukan...
Dari Kitab Allah... Al-Qur'an.

Aku melihat kembali
Apakah layaknya diri?
Aku merenung kembali
Menerjah ke kalbu hati

Apakah diri ini sudah selesai urusan hati?
Apakah diri ini sudah mencintai RABBIY?
Apakah diri ini sudah taubat sepenuh hati?
Apakah diri ini sudah munajat mengharap ILAHIY?
Apakah diri ini...?
Apakah diri ini...?
Apakah diri ini...?
Lalu apakah diri ini...?
Dan seribu satu macam persoalan...

Aku belum berjihad sesungguhnya
Aku belum mengharap syahid sesungguhnya
Aku masih takut mati sesungguhnya
Aku masih belum lengkap Rukun Islamku
Aku masih terkontang-kanting mencari kebenaran
Mencari secebis ketenangan dalam seribu kekeliruan

Maka apakah aku layak sebagai Mujahid Islam??

Sungguh...
Aku takuti harapan tidak tertemui
Lantas membawa kegundahan
Lantaran harapan tidak kesampaian.

Sungguh...
Aku takut dilihat manusia dengan pandangan
Yang belum tentu akan mencerminkan kebenaran
Hakikat diriku dan hatiku tentang keimanan

Ya Allah...
Engkau telah mengurniakan aku kepetahan berkata-kata
Maka kau peliharalah diriku dari fitnah manisnya kata
Semoga semua ikatanku bukanlah atas rapuhnya bahasa
Yang indah ditutur tersisip ungkapan menyentuh jiwa

Namun kau jadikanlah semua sahabatku rapat
Atas dasar kekuatan iman.
Atas dasar keutuhan taqwa.
Atas dasar ukhuwwah yang hakiki.
Atas dasar mengharap redhaMu, ILAAHIY.

Ya ILAAHIY...
Terimalah du'aku ini.
Hamba yang mengharap...
Merindu...
Redha dan kasih ILAAHIY.
Hamba yang ingin jua mencintai...
ALLAHU RABBIY.

Nukilan: 'Umayr SRA

ArRahman

2007-05-24T15:16:00.000+08:00

Surah arRahman read by Syeikh AsSyaatiri.

It's ben a long time since I wrote this post. This post is, insyaALLAH, another Qur'an reflection on my life.

Recently things have been happening that forced me to reconsider about taking things for granted. As I read the verses, I tried to understand what meaning is being conveyed.
The meaning behind the repetitions of the question,

"Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?" [arRahman:13]

I have an overwhelming thought in my mind. Focused on few things that make me excited; make me thrive. Yet sometimes in my zeal I forget that nothing is for granted.

Yes, Allah lays upon us with all these gifts of life. Whether we know it or appreciate it, they exist. Allah is arRahman. The Merciful. He gives, whether or not his servant believes. Whether or not his servant loves him. He provides. Regardless of race. Regardless of stature. Regardless of anything.

When I read that verse and the each of the gifts he reminds us of the surah, I thought, "how could I have forgotten??"

I think to myself, you think too little on being grateful but you take his provisions for granted. You think that if you want it, its as simple as asking Him for it, hoping for it, and He will give it. Regardless.

I thought to myself, how could I have forgotten that I have no amount of power to force God even a little, but that He has all the power to lay my path down for me. He has all the power to set my future. He has all the power to do anything He wishes to me. And I... Have none to stop it, if so He wills on me.

I remembered that in all my twenty-one years of experience in life, I should have asked Him and then hanged my fate on Him. There is no coercion on Him, but to lay hope on Him... That is how it should be. I should place my hopes and pray for all the best. So that all my business may come to a good resolution.

So now I pray... That there be peace. I pray for all my connections to be well bound. And that they are bound on the basis and foundation of taqwa. That we all pray for forgiveness of our sins if there have been any. That we all place all our hopes on Allah. For He determines all. I truly hope for the best in my life. And the lives of those that I touch. I truly hope for understanding. The first of which is my undertstanding of others. And the next of which is others' understanding of me.

I truly pray that whatever I do does not beckon fitnah. Of any sort and every sort. For that, I place my hopes in Allah, that He would accept my du'a and forgive my sins.

Takut

2007-05-24T10:32:00.000+08:00

Takut nak update. Takut banyak terkeluar. Kalau bak kata omputih...

I'm afraid that my soul will be laid bare... Naked to the world to see, to criticise, to reprimand, to make fun of, to cheer on, to support, to uphold, to do another 1001 things to it. Yet desire holds on to me that pulls towards writing anyway. [a person on the web]

Teringat balik ayat Qur'an yang pernah aku post kat blog ni satu ketika dulu...

"Dan demi sesungguhnya, Kami telah mencipta manusia dan Kami sedia mengetahui apa yang dibisikkan oleh hatinya, sedang (pengetahuan) Kami lebih dekat kepadanya daripada urat lehernya," (Qaaf - 50:16)

Butterfly

2007-05-20T19:40:00.000+08:00

Trying to focus tight now... I need to do a lot of restructuring to my thought process. I need to think straight. I need to FOCUS!

RAWR~!!! *masculine growl of defiance and will* I WILL move ON!!

*eyes set forward; feet steps forth*

Identity

2007-05-20T07:36:00.000+08:00

I wanna get to know myself.

All of you, click here and then comment this post.

It's my Johari Window.

Hati Raja; Aqal Advisor

2007-05-18T12:27:00.000+08:00

Sebuah perbualan yang terjadi antara Yeop dan Person:

Nota: perbualan telah diubahsuai untuk supaya ada sedikit coherence of information.

yeop : bahaya perasaan nih
yeop : tak leh nak [percaya] sangat
yeop : tapi kalau tak dengar perasaan sendiri bahaya

person: klu xdgr pn bahaye..? [kalau tak dengar pun bahaye..?]

yeop : ya
yeop : sebab hati tuh raja diri kita
yeop : hati tuh kan yang mengawal perasaan?
yeop : cuba fkir
yeop : kita buat sesuatu kerana kita TAHU? [reference pada artikel Ustaz Abu Saif]
yeop : atau kerana kita MAHU? [reference pada artikel Ustaz Abu Saif]
yeop : tahu adalah sifat akal
yeop : mahu adalah sifat hati
yeop : sebab tuh ada pepatah, "ilmu tanpa amal bagaikan pohon tanpa buah"
yeop : sebab tuh susah nak beramal, tapi mudah nak bercakap
yeop : sebab bila bercakap
yeop : perlukan kefasihan lidah dan kelincahan akal
yeop : tapi bile beramal, perlu disertakan niat dari hati
yeop : jadi perasaan tu penting... penting... penting...
yeop : perlu mendengar perasaan sendiri
yeop : perlu mengubat perasaan sendiri
yeop : perlu membina perasaan sendiri
yeop : tapi
yeop : perlu dibimbing dengan aqal
yeop : sebab kalau hati tu raja
yeop : aqal pula penasihatnya
yeop : boleh jadi raja tersilap
yeop : tapi bila ada penasihat,
yeop : ada proses check and balance

Buka ayat 37 surah Qaaf. Berkenaan hati dan fokus.

Desire

2007-05-18T12:06:00.000+08:00

I wanted to write something... But my thoughts are flowing so fast that my fingers could'nt catch up...

God help me!!

---

This blog's trend seems to move towards being a whiny blog. I really apologise to those who come here for anything of substance.

Apparently I'm having some problems of the heart....

Yeop: I wanna cry! But why does these eyes of mine block my tears?? Why is this heart so hard??? Where did the sweetness of the Qur'an go?? God help me find my way back! Please... Please... Please...

Vicious Cycle

2007-05-16T09:12:00.000+08:00

What do you do if your mind enters a vicious cycle of thoughts that remain in the same domain and cycles over and over and over again?

That's what my mind is going through right now...

Thoughts: (What's appening to me?? What happened to my 'amal fardi? Aaaaa~!)

The vicious cycle strikes...

pssst: is there any mention in the qur'an or hadiiths on refocusing one's mind? I'll make this a quiz...

My Results

2007-05-14T14:03:00.000+08:00

Got 3.67 for the last semester...

Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...

Afraid...

2007-05-14T12:55:00.000+08:00

I am afraid.... Truly afraid.

Read this:

"Friends on that Day will be foes, one to another; except the Righteous." [AzZukhruf:67]

I Wish...

2007-05-14T10:54:00.000+08:00

...this day I wish I wasn't known by so many...

Will you all please leave me alone??

Allahumma -nsurniy...

A Poem: Husband Asks for Poligamy??

2007-05-12T06:36:00.000+08:00

Read this:

***Puisi Suami yg minta izin
[Poligami]***

Istriku, jika engkau bumi, akulah
matahari. Aku akan menyinari mu kerana
engkau mengharapkan sinaran dari ku.
Ingatlah bahtera yg kita kayuh, begitu
penuh riak gelombang.
Aku pasti akan tetap menyinari bumi,
hingga kadang- kadang bumi terasa akan
silauan ku. Lantas aku ingat satu hal
bahawa Tuhan mencipta bukan hanya
bumi, malah ada planet lain yang juga
mengharapkan sinaranku. Lalu..
Relakanlah aku menyinari planet lain,
menyampaikan faedah adanya aku, kerana
sudah takdir Illahi sinaranku
diperlukan diplanet lain...

***Balasan Puisi sang istri***

Suamiku, andai kau memang mentari,
sang surya yang memberi cahaya, aku
merelakan engkau berikan sinaranmu
kepada segala planet yang telah TUHAN
ciptakan kerana mereka juga seperti
aku perlukan cahaya mu dan akupun juga
tidak akan merasa kekurangan dengan
sinaran mu...

AKAN TETAPIIIIIIII.. Bila kau hanya
sejengkal lilin yang berkekuatan 5 watt
saha ja, jangan lah bermimpi untuk
menyinari planet lain!!! Kerana bilik
tidur kita yang kecil pun belum
sanggup kau terangi. Lihatlah diri mu
pada
cermin kaca di sudut kamar kita, di
tengah remang-remang pancaran cahaya mu
yang telah aku mengerti... Cuba lihat
siapa dirimu... MATAHARI atau lilin ?

please lah...!!!

Acquired from a Friendster bulletin

My Comment: Heheh! Sungguh la kelakar! Berangan weih mamat tuh. Ade ke lilin nak jadi matahari!! Seriously... I laughed when I read this. Heheh! Tergelak besor tuh!

I remember an Ustaz from my old school. He said this regarding poligamy (teh language has been paraphrased), "Kalaulah orang tahu pasal hakikat poligami ni, mesti orang LAKI lah yang tak nak poligami dan orang PEREMPUAN lah yang berkejar-kejar nakkan poligami."

What he meant was that if men knew the weight of the responsibility it was to poligamise, then they would shun it. Whereas if women knew how much reward there was (for them) when their husbands poligamise, they would be the first to want it.

My opinion? Although I am not against poligamy, I don't, however, wish for more than one wife at a time. It's hard work; poligamy is. And I don't like hard work and hassle when it's not needed. Neither can I trust meself to be fair. Maybe I'll choose like Fahri in the Ayat-Ayat Cinta book; putting a special condition in the marriage bond that no poligamy is allowed. Hmm...

Du'a for Moms/Dads of Newborns

2007-05-10T18:31:00.000+08:00

I like this du'a.

From Anneesa who got it from Hadith - An-Nawawi, Kitabul-Adhkar, p. 349.

"Baarakallahu laka fil mauhoobi laka, wa shakartal waahiba, wa balagha ashaddahu, wa ruziqta birrahu."

["May Allah bless you with His gift to you, and may the receiver give thanks and reach the maturity of years and be granted piety.”]

The reply is: Barakallahu laka wa baraka ‘alaika, wa jaza kallahu khairan, wa raza-qakallahu mithalhu, wa ajzala thawabaka.

[”May Allah bless you, and shower His blessings upon you, and may Allah reward you well and bestow upon you its like and reward you with open hands.”]

So I'm gonna say it for Ustaz 'Athif and Kak Amrah who just got a new baby son:

Baarakallahu laka fil mauhoobi laka, wa shakartal waahiba, wa balagha ashaddahu, wa ruziqta birrahu.

Oh yeah... Tahniah also to Awla and her other siblings for becoming more "makcik" and "pakcik" than ever. Heheh!

Karrama lLahu wajhah?

2007-05-10T18:19:00.001+08:00

Where did this term originate? Why was it attributed only to Sayyidina 'Ali? What are the dalils mentioning it?

I have no good and real answer to any of the questions above. So I will say, "RADHIYA -LLAHU 'ANHU", instead when someone mentions Sayyidina 'Ali's name...

Farsyi t-Turaab!

2007-05-08T21:48:00.000+08:00

This song is deep. If you really listen then you would know not to waste life on earth.

Here are the lyrics:

فرشي التراب
فرشي التراب يضمني وهو غطائي
حولي الرمال تلفني بل من ورائي
واللحد يحكي ظلمة فيها ابتلائي
والنور خط كتابه أنسى لقائي
والأهل اين حنانهم باعوا وفائي
والصحب اين جموعهم تركوا اخائي
والمال اين هناءه صار ورائي
والاسم اين بريقه بين الثناءِ
هذي نهاية حالي فرشي الترابِ
والحب ودّع شوقه وبكى رثائي
والدمع جف مسيره بعد البكاء
والكون ضاق بوسعه ضاقت فضائي
فاللحد صار بجثتي أرضي سمائي
هذي نهاية حالي فرشي الترابِ
والخوف يملأ غربتي والحزن دائي
أرجو الثبات وإنه قسما دوائي
والرب أدعو مخلصا أنت رجائي
أبغي إلهي جنة فيها هنائي

Here's a translation of the lyrics [reedited: 10.5.2007]:

Dust is My Bed
Meshary AlArada
-translation touched up by YM-

Dust is my bed,
It embraces me And it is my cover.
The sand surrounds me even behind my back
And the grave tells a dankness of my affliction
And the brightness draws a line...
Forgetting its meeting with me.

And family... Where is their love?
They sold my loyalty!
They sold my loyalty!
My loyalty!

And friendship... Where is it all?
They left my brotherhood!
They left my brotherhood!
My brotherhood!

And wealth... Where is its bliss?
It is behind my back now
And reputation... Where does it shine between praises?
This is my end and dust is my bed

And love farewelled longing and my lament cried
And the tears went dry after the crying
And the universe became small in its wideness...
...and thus did my space
And the grave became my ground; my sky
This is my end and this is my bed

Fear fills my estrangement and sadness is my illness
I expect firmness and I swear it’s my cure
And for Allah i pray faithfully, you are my hope
Allah! I desire heaven, to find bliss in it

And for Allah i pray faithfully, you are my hope
Allah! I desire heaven, to find bliss in it.

Comment: The original translation was rather weird, so I changed/paraphrased some parts of the lyrics - with help from a friend who understands Arabic. Hopefully it doesn't seem so weird now.

The line:
والحب ودّع شوقه وبكى رثائي
...is so daym hard to tranlate!! Daym...
أستغفر الله

Work

2007-05-07T11:13:00.000+08:00

I am writing from my workplace...

Reason

2007-05-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

Know why I put up the charisma question?

I said it was a matter of identity. And it was. Still is. I'm getting to be doubtful of my will/skill/credibility to lead people.

It seems that I have more WANT than CAPABILITY to lead. To me this feeling is dangerous. It endangers my sincerity. It endangers the principles I stand for.

I also feel like I have been lax this past semester in many things. From my emotional self. To my physical self. To my mental self.

I have beenm lax at so many things at when I arrived at the turning point where I decided to swing everything back the right way, it was so darned bad, that I stressed myself seriously with all my problems.

I guess bad habits haunt. And my bad habits are precisely the reason why I'm going to decline posts. Among others are:

Procrastination.
Laziness.
Lack of spirit.
Forgetfulness.
Loss of faith.

I will not elaborate. It's enough that I say these bad habits, if you have them, will haunt you. It's enough that I say these bad habits will cause you enough trouble to get rid of them if you procrastinate in getting rid of them. It's enough that I say, don't be like me and be amongst those who take reminders and accept.

An article on leadership:
Kepimpinan: Dari Kuasa Mahu Ke Mana? from Saifulislam.com.

Fahim

2007-05-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

SubhanalLah, ya rabb... Jadikanlah aku dari kalangan golongan hambaMu yang memahami alQur'an dan Sunnah RasulMu. Dan kemudian jadikanlah aku dari kalangan golongan hambaMu yang mengamalkannnya dan menyukurinnya. Amiin.

Ar-Rantisi

2007-05-02T08:22:00.000+08:00

[link - click!] // updated link 13.09.2007; reason - broken old one

Subhanallah... I want to be like Dr Ar-Rantisi; syahid on His way. And if I get married, I wish for my wife to have strength like the strength of Rasya Adluni.

Ujian Allah

2007-04-29T19:21:00.001+08:00

Persoalan dari seorang akh:

"Untuk Yeop, maaf ana nak bertanya, bagaimana ujian mencerminkan kebenaran dan boleh jadi hujah kepada kebenaran?" [diubahsuai dan dipetik dari komen Musafir di post ini]

Jawapanku dengan ilmu yang masih perlu kulengkapi.

SATU
Ujian tuh penentu kualiti. Takde ujian tak tahu la kualiti sesuatu.

Cuba tengok masa kita peperiksaan. Sebelum peperiksaan kita rasa macam yakin je boleh menjawab. Tapi sudahnya peperiksaan menceritakan perkara lain pula. Bila tak cukup persediaan, tak cukuplah kualiti 'ilmu kita, maka teruklah bila jawab peperiksaan. Dan juga sebaliknya, bila persediaan cukup, maka peperiksaan tu menjadi bukti kualiti 'ilmu yang diperoleh, dan orang lain pun menjadi yakin bila kita kata, "saya mahir subjek ini", dan dibuktikan dengan hasil peperiksaan itu.

Samalah dengan ujian Allah. Kalau tak cukup bersedia, kita akan rasa sangat teruk, susah. Payahnyalah. Tapi bila dah cukup kualiti kita, ujian tu menjadi hujjah atas kebenaran yang kita bawa. Kita sanggup kemudiannya menyatakan, "inilah aku, datang membawa sesuatu yang benar!", dengan rasa 'izzah kerana kita sudah punyai bukti yang kita perolehi melalui ujian Allah itu. Jiwa-jiwa manusia lain pun menjadi yakin kerana terbuktinya kebenaran melalui ujian.

DUA
Ujian tu pembeza kebenaran dan kebatilan. Baru kita tau sape munafiq sape benar beriman.

"Dia menurunkan air (hujan) dari langit, lalu membanjiri tanah-tanah lembah (dengan airnya) menurut kadarnya yang ditetapkan Tuhan untuk faedah makhlukNya, kemudian banjir itu membawa buih yang terapung-apung dan dari benda-benda yang dibakar di dalam api untuk dijadikan barang perhiasan atau perkakas yang diperlukan, juga timbul buih seperti itu. Demikianlah Allah memberi misal perbandingan tentang perkara yang benar dan yang salah. Adapun buih itu maka akan hilang lenyaplah ia hanyut terbuang, manakala benda-benda yang berfaedah kepada manusia maka ia tetap tinggal di bumi. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan misal-misal perbandingan." [ar-Ra'd:17]

"Orang-orang munafik lelaki dan perempuan, setengahnya adalah sama Dengan setengahnya Yang lain; mereka masing-masing menyuruh Dengan perbuatan Yang jahat, dan melarang dari perbuatan Yang baik, dan mereka pula menggenggam tangannya (bakhil kedekut). mereka telah melupakan (tidak menghiraukan perintah) Allah dan Allah juga melupakan (tidak menghiraukan) mereka. Sesungguhnya orang-orang munafik itu, merekalah orang-orang Yang fasik." [Taubah:67]

TIGA
Ujian tu macam ketuhar untuk jiwa pembawa kebenaran. Peneguh hati atas jalan yang diyakini. Membawa keluar kualiti kebenaran yang seperti berlian. Lebih hebat tekanan; lebih gemerlapan sinaran yang dipantulkan.

"Adakah patut kamu menyangka Bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum sampai kepada kamu (ujian dan cubaan) seperti Yang telah berlaku kepada orang-orang Yang terdahulu daripada kamu? mereka telah ditimpa kepapaan (kemusnahan hartabenda) dan serangan penyakit, serta digoncangkan (oleh ancaman bahaya musuh), sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang Yang beriman Yang ada bersamanya: Bilakah (datangnya) pertolongan Allah?" ketahuilah Sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat (asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada ugama Allah)." [al-Baqarah:214]

EMPAT
Ujian tu muhasabah kebenaran. Tempat untuk orang yang mencari kebenaran tengok dalam cermin dan tengok diri sendiri dan bertanya "Betul ke tak aku nih?" Neraca untuk mengukur adalah Qur'an dan Hadith.

"Yahya related to me from Malik that he heard that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'I have left two matters with you. As long as you hold to them, you will not go the wrong way. They are the Book of Allah and the Sunna of His Prophet.' " [Hadith, diriwayatkan oleh Imam Malik dalam Muwattha', Book 46 1.3]

Terjemahan [YeopMayuru] di bawah, boleh dicari yang lebih tepat:
"Yahya meriwayatkan kepadaku dari Malik bahawa dia telah mendengar Rasulullah, (saw), berkata, 'Aku telah tinggalkan dua perkara denganmu. Jika engkau berpegang dengan keduanya, engkau tak akan tersesat. Keduanya adalah Kitab Allah dan Sunnah [RasulNya/NabiNya]' "

"Al-Quran Al-Karim dan Sunnah Rasulullah SAW merupakan sumber rujukan bagi setiap muslim dalam memahami hukum-hukum Islam. Al-Quran hendaklah difahami mengikut kaedah-kaedah Bahasa Arab tanpa memberat-beratkan dan tidak pula membabi buta. Sunnah pula difahami melalui periwayat-periwayat Hadith yang thiqah." [Usul 20, Imam Hassan alBanna]

LIMA
Ujian tu pembasmi jahiliyyah. Sebab jahiliyyah tak tahan lama dengan dugaan.

"Dan Katakanlah: ‘Telah datang kebenaran (Islam), dan hilang lenyaplah perkara Yang salah (kufur dan syirik); Sesungguhnya Yang salah itu sememangnya satu perkara Yang tetap lenyap’." [al-Isra':81]

Uniformed vs Uninformed

2007-04-29T12:17:00.001+08:00

I wonder if it's just me or...

"Norman fumbled with his seat belt buckle as a uniformed Navy man ran up and opened the door." [excerpt from The Sphere, by Michael Crichton]

I read uniformed as uninformed. How disturbing... Must be this afternoon's exam aura. Godhelp me through... [say amiin, everyone]

Charisma?

2007-04-29T09:16:00.001+08:00

My friends and readers... I have to ask you all a question. And I seriously want top know.

"Many people around you will be drawn to your charismatic nature."

All of you who know me personally... Do I really have a charismatic nature? I'm really sorry for the narcissistic tone in the question. But I seriously have to know. It's a matter of identity. I want to know who I really am.

So... Feel free to comment.

[edit-translation]
Rakan-rakan dan pembacaku... Saya perlu bertanya anda semua satu soalan. Dan sungguh saya ingin mengetahui.

"Ramai orang di sekitar anda akan terasa tertarik dengan sifat karismatik anda."

Dan semua yang kenal saya secara personal... Benarkah saya punyai sifat karismatik? Saya betul-betul mohon maaf jika soalan ini bernada narsisistik. Tapi saya benar-benar perlu tahu. Ia merupakan soal identiti. Saya ingin tahu siapa saya sebenarnya.

Jadi... Silakanlah komen ya.
[/edit-translation]

Weekend Hiatus

2007-04-28T23:24:00.001+08:00

I notice that there's almost always a hiatus of online activity amongst those of whom I know during the weekend. I have several assumptions on this observation.

Most access the internet only at their offices. No access from home.
Weekends are for "away" activities. Activities that include going out of the house and running here and there. (I know at least one friend who is always in another state during the weekends, heheh! You know who you are!)

I'm inclined to believe that [1] is the most probable cause for the sudden lack of activity. I surmise that most of my friends don't have internet connections at their homes/residences. I guess it could be due to the fact that many are bachelors... Naaaaah, totally irrelevant. But seriously, I dunno... Why don't you all install broadband at home? Easier ah...

I'd understand, however, if you guys were living campus lives. i don't think many Universities in Malaysia has made internet/global connectivity a priority. My Uni doesn't even have campus-wide-and-easily-accessible internet. Sengal gak ah.

It seems that a good many of my friends are busy weekend activists. These kinda people... I respect. Art strive; shalt thee achieve.

My Drive

2007-04-28T15:40:00.000+08:00

I did a test to find what drives me. And this is what drives me:

What the report said about me (one paragraph ot of sooo many):

"Many people around you will be drawn to your charismatic nature. Let's face it; you are fun and easy to be around. People may tell you their secrets, ask for your advice, or just want to spend time around you and enjoy your escapades vicariously. However, your love of people may leave you vulnerable to unreasonable requests for favors. You don't want to see anyone suffer or unhappy, so you are easily spotted as softhearted. While you may love to keep others smiling, it is important for you to keep yourself happy as well. Don't be afraid to say no to people if their needs force you to over-commit yourself."

Yep. I have a problem with saying no to people I deem are reaaaaally in need. It's not that I feel I am indispensable, but that I reaally feel that I have to do something to help out. It's probably mostly dude to the fact that most of the time, I can feel their need. I know what I'd feel like if I were in their shoes.

I seriously dislike seeing people unhappy. The air seems to change when people's moods turn negative. And it suffocates. It hurts.

As such, more often than not, I try to compromise. I try to reach a decision where I still at least do something for those asking a favor, but not a decision that binds me to a hellish-world-on-earth.

Once a friend of mine texted me asking for my favor. He needed to borrow some money, saying that he has family problems and was in dire need of funds. I didn't reply to his messages. And I feel guilty to this day. I couldn't help him out; I didn't have the enough, what I had was just small enough to support me. I couldn't find the heart to say no neither. So I chose silence... He iterated his text a few times, asking and asking... And each time, my heart wavered. Yet i still couldn't help him out. Thus the silence continued.

To this friend of mine, although you may not read my blog, I truly apologise. It's not that I didn't want to help. But that I couldn't. I just... Couldn't. I truly, truly feel bad about it. So forgive me.

Yeop Mayuru: An Interest In Life

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